Mar 25, 2008


Any mother-son relationship would not be complete without its fair share of arguments, "good advice" from the mother, ill-timed advice from the son to stop the increasing amount of "good advice" he's been getting, the all out war of words when advice moves over to the realm of commands,and when push comes to shove (and broom) good ol dad has to step in and restore the peace with the customary 'let him do what he wants' .

Recently, after a long dreary day in college, i pile a chunk of food on to my plate, and flopped on the couch with the holy grail of couchdom (the remote) in hand. After a good 5 mins of channel surfing i settled for ESPN. The championship deciding football match in the EPL seemed inviting,

Rooney passes to ronaldo, ronaldo crosses to tevez, a brilliant cross from tevez back to ronaldo,
the crowd's on the edge of their seats, ronaldo has an opening, the goalkeeper is nowhere in the frame, he shoots......

"Whats with your sudden interest in football, huh?"

Didnt the 16th commandment read "thou shalt not interrupt thy son/father/husband when he's wathching sports, if thou doest, thou shalt face his wrath , which is unequaled even by me , saith the lord" . Clearly, my mother hadn't gone beyond the ten other vital commands. But the underlying sarcasm from behind, stabbed me like a piercing arrow, the venom poured into that very part of my heart where pele, maradona and zidane resided. I wasnt gonna let this go!

with my eyes still following ronaldo's celebrations, i started off on a verbal assault!


"What am i supposed to do while eating, watch the dead meat?"

"Am i supposed to have my nose in a textbook even while eating?"

"you have a problem with everything!"

"If i were watching a news channel, you'd have a problem with that, Ftv would be even more of a problem, your constant 'grow up' remarks forced me to give up wathcing cartoon network! can't you just let me live??"

"what you need is a dog, not a son, atleast the dog would have PETA to defend him"

"So when are you going to censor my thoughts, or are you doing that already"

I paused a moment to give my mom some time to squeeze in her half of the argument, her unusual silence spurred me on, maybe i had a case here, i had her on the ropes, time to give in the final punch, silence her for a couple of weeks atleast.

"Was i adopted, is that why you treat me so bad"

"Oh i get it! your my step mom aren't you? I knew it"

"Even cinderalla was treated better, atleast she could watch football in peace"

"Where is my fairy god-dude?"

"Once i get a job, i'm moving out, i'll get a new mom"

okay, maybe i went too far with the last comment, i didnt exactly want to skip dinner for a couple of weeks, so i stopped and looked at her, and said

"Okay now, why arent you saying anything? give up? finally! after 20 years"

Thats when mom broke her silence

"I was talking to nidhi(my brother) not you, HA"

Sometimes when you prepare and give a seminar in class, your all excited and pumped up, but no one gives a rip about what you blabbered, and at the end of it you feel like an idiot for having wasted everone's time, i felt like that, only worse.

I finished the food in a jiffy, switched off the t.v, and avoiding eye contact with my mother i retire to the sanctuary of my room. After burying my head under the pillow for a good fifteen minutes, i emerged with a big smile on my face! i had something to blog about!

Stay tuned though, the mom wars saga isn't gonna end anytime soon, the empire will strike back!

Mar 21, 2008

Lost in translation!

Unity in diversity, The triumphant banner of post Independence India! With some 30(?) states and innumerable no. of languages, things can get confusing at times .

                               Take me for instance, i was born a malayalee hence i speak Malayalam, but because of my father's frequent transfers to all corners of India, i cannot read or write Malayalam! But we settled down in Bangalore some ten years back, so i can read and write Kannada but cannot speak intelligent Kannada if a gun were held to my head! Add to that a semester of Marathi in third grade and Hindi speaking abilities that deteriorated due to my extended stay in South India, So here i am trying to communicate using the greatest of British imports ENGLISH!

                            Thankfully though I'm not alone in this linguistic paradox. I didn't even have to look too far.My cousin Aashish who is a doctor, was born in Nigeria,studied in Yemen, high school in kerala and finally mbbs in Nepal. Heaven alone knows the languages he's proficient in!
                                             He recently took up a job in Kottayam, Kerela (Mallu heartland) . He can utter mallu theri (swear words) like a seasoned expert and knows the nuances of the language like a sahityakaran(litterateur) , yet he cannot write or read malayalam! A recipe for disaster!
                                    His job involved playing apprentice to the far more experienced MD and basically just watching and learning as well as doing the odd jobs that only a doctor could do. His opinion would be called for during interesting scenarios as well as suggestions when the situation arose.
            So, on this particular day a lady walks into the consulting room and produces a letter of  some sort . The MD takes a long look at it, reading all the way to the bottom and then re-read it again, his eye-brows knitted together in concentration. He seemed perplexed! He tosses over the letter to Aashish and says

"Do you concur?"

My cousin was taken aback by this 'StarTrek' sounding command by his superior.  
So he hurried to take a look at this sacred piece of parchment that had caused 
such a harried reaction in his all knowing teacher. To his dismay, no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get an inkling of what was written, Because it was written in Malayalam . Panic struck him, thick and fast. He had to save face somehow! His very job could be at stake! So he put forth a very vague sounding.....

"Interesting case sir, the standard procedure would suffice for this patient, but we must proceed

The MD's face was as impassive as ever, was this some kind of in-hospital test? my cousin wondered. The MD took a deep breath and ventured..

"Aashish, would you care to explain to the lady about her illness"

'I am done for, certainly!' thought Aashish. He took a deep breath, called upon his lucky stars and let his mouth do all the thinking and talking.

"Ma'am you have a common illness, nothing to worry about, take the prescribed tablets as the chemist orders and you will be fine in no time. A lot of rest, a whole lot of nutritious food, and you'll be back in the pick of health in no time!!"

My cousin sat back in an air of triumph and satisfaction. But the MD looked as bewildered as ever, The patient who was even more confused, had a question or two to ask, She was cut short by the MD,

"Madam would you care to step outside for a moment, we need to discuss your case at length"

Aashish's throat went dry, the customary 100 lashes ancient slaves received seemed inviting, confessing the truth seemed the only way out. As he geared up to defend himself, the impatient and angry MD spoke up...

"What in Christ's name was written in that piece of paper? I cannot read a word of Malayalam!!! I was looking to you for a hint or a suggestion of some sort. But you were more incomprehensible than a doctor's handwriting!"

My cousin heaved a huge sigh of relief and explained how he was in the same predicament!! The two had a hearty laugh and finally had to rely on the lowly nurse to provide a solution. It turned out that the MD had himself studied abroad and was part of the linguistic diaspora that could speak certain languages but couldn't read or write it!!

It is such diversity and interesting intricacies that are unique to being an Indian. Nowhere else would such interesting situations arise! Call it a blessing or a curse but we Indians are forever destined to be Lost in Translation!!


Mar 19, 2008


Shah Rukh Khan dances, he charms , he dreams , he falls in love , dies , is reborn , kicks villain's ass, THE END. Yet another bollywood blockbuster, Yet again i fell for the marketing blitz and decided to find out for my self what Om Shanti Om was all about .So i went to the local multiplex, sat through the song-dance-song nightmare as SRK magically changed costumes between every scene, while the couple on my right 'choochey cooed' tirelessly(which was way more entertaining than the movie by the way) . The real life drama dwarfed Srk's over-acting

"you didn't call me for the 6th time last night"

"But honey, i was just lookin at your picture on my cieling and dreaming"

"Really?...choo how do i look today?"

"You look like a princess my love"

"Seriously?.....princess of a biiiggg country or a small country?"

"Princess of a continent...a solar system....why a galaxy i say! "

" know you look so cute..WHEN YOU LIE!!...LOSER!!...galaxy indeed!! Use your flattery on Tina, not on me!!!" (she folds her hands and looks my way....i manage to put forth a weak smile!)

"But honey...Tina is just a friend....nothing more....."

"Maybe you should make her something more"


"Don't talk to me"

what followed was 5 mins of silence...which i utilised to empty my bucket of popcorn....

"If you don't talk to me"....sniff....sniff...."I might as well die"....sniff....."your my light, my sunshine, my moonlight, my street light, my all"

"My baby...don't cry!...i was just being know i love you....."

sniff..."me too"....

what followed is best not described, considering the younger audience of this blog!!.....I had great fun though....kissing scenes are always cleverly avoided in hindi movies(THe damned tree).... Lets just say i got my money's worth!!

SRK manages to overcome the more muscular and younger villain, and gets to live happily ever after with the heroine who's half his age!!....GREAT! The rigamarole ended! After the boredom extravaganza, all i wanted to do was head home, so i dial the driver and gave him instructions on where to pick us up .

As usual i used a pot pourri of south indian languages to communicate with the driver (in the end it turns out that he speaks my native tongue malayalam) . So here i am, lost in the dilema over the choicest words to be used to describe my location, I mindlessly walk out through the exit, and into the dark tunnel that led to the outside. And thats when.......

I recieve a soft squeeze to my rear!!

Not since when i came out of my mother's insides and the doctor slapped me gently on my buttocks have i gotten any sorta attention to the "back door". I move the cell away from my ear and look back aghast!!

And when i looked back i saw the fairer half of the couple staring at me in a state of shock and confusion, our eyes met in a moment of understanding, i was rooted to the spot, while she covered her face and retired to the arms of her beau!

The boyfriend probably thought i was troubling his lady and gave me a snooty look. Before the situation worsened i slipped away into the crowd!! PHEW!!

Looking back...i wonder if the guy was my identical butt twin, my long lost bum buddy, cause the girl mistakened her lover's rear for mine, there must have been some similarity! Or did she do that on purpose? Were my butt cheeks too difficult to resist? ALAS... i may never know! But the incident has frightened me thoroughly! I found my self walking sideways and keeping my back to the wall every time i walked through a crowd. I realised that my ASSets are to protected from any sort of intended or unintended harm!!
Damn that SRK!

Mar 14, 2008

Celebrating the worst!!

This is an article i wrote for our department yearbook 'PHOENIX' which didnt exactly rise from its ashes. But thats why one starts a blog. Free publishing!!

In the beginning god created man, man created jokes, some men tried to create jokes, but failed and hence was born the POOR JOKE(P.J) . Okay we can live with P.Js , they crack you up! But when some people dedicate their lives towards the advancement of nonsense, Grrrrrrr! We as members of R.I.S.E must rise above and trounce the propitiators of B.P.L.Js(Below the poverty line jokes, yes such a thing does exist! You will see as you read on) .
Caution – I have only compiled the collection, was in no way responsible for creating any of em! , But I shall let you into a secret….psssst…..Kunal jadhav 4th sem c.s…..yes the kingpin himself….Yep!!...those old chappals lying in the closet will come in handy!!
Here goes nothing!!

1.A man is walking down the street. A parrot curiously calls out his name from a tree. Ahem!!...Which geometric figure comes to mind?

Ans:- Parabola ( parrot bola!...this was a mild one you’ll be clenching your teeth in no time!)

2.A man is crossing a jungle on a bike, midway through his journey a jubilant peacock comes in his way and he is forced to stop. This curious event happens every hour!! What could be the possible reason?

Ans:- Well he was riding the Tvs Victor ! clue?...more smiles per hour!!...mor==peacock ….heh heh!!....not very funny is it?...i know!!

3.A man (Who is this “man”?) is being chased by a lion through a dense dark jungle . Fortunately he finds a rope and climbs on to it . But for some unfathomable reason there is a candle right under the rope and its burning the rope away . And the lions prowling right under him, He must think and think fast!...what does he do?

Ans :- He says HAPPY BIRTHDAY….the lion blows the candle!....don’t worry I was speechless too when I heard the “solution” for the first time!!....

4. What do bees do if they don't want to drive?
Ans :-Wait at the buzz stop (Buzz off?...don’t blame me! I just compile them)

5. What happens if you take mickey mouse and throw him onto a wall?
Ans:- Well you get the Ramayana…simple really!....if you take mickey and throw him on a wall you get wall mickey…wallmickey….wallmiki…..valmiki….And valmike writes the Ramayana!....simple deduction Watson!!

6. A fish bangs onto a concrete wall. What does he say?
Ans :- ‘Dam’n!!....One particular person took an entire year to get this one!!....but is it a bad joke? Yes! because according to the second theory of bad jokesim “If a person or a living being takes 365 or 366 days to figure out a joke then according to the converse of the first theorem the joke is bad joke”…Eh?...don’t ask me I haven’t figured a single theorem in my 19 years either!

7. A solitary hunter is trudging through the deep forests of Africa. Suddenly he spots something , he aims , he shoots Elephant!!...But the pigeon dies!..whatever happened?
Ans:- Well could it be that the the bullet according to the theory of relativity sped at the speed of light and time traveled into another dimension only to emerge back into our time and hit a new but pre-destined target?.....Arre mamu….this is a bplj!! The only way to arrive at the solution is to bang your head against the wall till you get gangrene . That won’t be necessary….the pigeon’s name was elephant!

8.The ultimate!!…. A man is stranded on a boat….just bitter salt water for miles all around…Its just him , his boat and 2 cigarettes .he wants to smoke the cigarette badly (He missed the bold ‘cigarettes are injurious to health sign’ too like the other millions, baffling!!) . What does he do?
Ans :- Solar energy? Nah….oh..o…I get it!..he rubbed pieces of wood together and made fire…NO!!....use bplj logic….Well he chucked one of the cigarettes away. The boat becomes “lighter”, he uses the “lighter” and lights the cigarette! set and match….Yes rocket science i think is easier!
All good thing must come to an end. So its even more certain that bad things have abrupt endings! But we must sit back and admire the ingenuity and extreme creativity of the men who create such gems of literature . Or bring out your guns!!