RHYME ME OVER

When a challenger arrives on the scene, the established forces scramble to gather resources and squish the challenger with a flurry of arrows.

One of two things will happen at this point, the establishment will either tread on the challenger and extinguish his tender advancements .

Or,

The challenger takes the doyens by surprise and proves to be more than capable of taking over their space.

Such a scenario unfolded recently in the unlikely arena of rhyming, with her flurry of well worded arrows Miss Infinity tried to snuff out the poetic ember glowing inside me.Not to be outdone, i unleashed my own set of unguided missiles. Does the fearless challenger kneel to the gargantuan poetic behemoth that is Miss Infinity or does he stand his own ground? Decide for yourselves!


Alien to d poetic world u still are
from true poetic blessings u still r far
till then u can use many a lame line
n think ur a poetic einstein

To the poetic world i may be new
but in the literary circle i'm one of the few
This planet also i will surely take over
i will make sure your reign ends forever

U think u can bid me farewell from my own haven?
where my words have been engraven!
so wrongly u have spoken
a flood of rage you have awoken

You are a ruler who has held on too long
Your so old you can't hear the gong
that heralds my arrival
pray for your survival!

You can take a year or a decade
ur words in no time will surely fade
but when i rise to heights unreachable
u can try to spot me with the telescope hubble!

Rhyming is a left hand job
Spotlight from you, i will rob
A year from today i swear to hell
without a sigh i will bid you farewell

Ur ignorance but does make me laugh aloud
d way u'v landed on d 9th cloud
but I'll let u enjoy ur glory a bit
coz wen it comes to poetic competition i dont give a shit

Hear ye, hear ye, there is a new bard in town
Here from far to replace the clown
A poem a day he promises to deliver
Come and cry a mighty river!

Hear ye hear ye d new bard in town
is here to make d real poets drown
in a river which he thinks they might cry
little does he know what he's gonna try
is a task so impossible to do
amidst poetic goddesses who
can rhyme like a sea flows its course
and throw off amateurs off its shores

The successor has matched the incumbent
In her armor he has made a dent
With every reply that he gave
he pushed her deeper into her grave!

Grave u are diggin of your own young man
u can try as hard as you can
u cant write words as powerful as mine
it takes talent to rhyme lines so fine

The cricket match distracts me
Else i would have stung you like a bee
Go hide under a rock
or else i will continue to mock!


Fine lets continue later wid d Crap
for ur work so far u deserve a clap
i dint think u wud survive so long
against a competitor whose so strong


With that declaration of approval
Ms Infinity rang the bell
to herald the birth of star
who will croon in many a bar!

The book of Re-Genisis

1And on the 24,566,343,343,545th day of the creation, God said "Let my smile be etched upon the night sky, so that man might know of my pleasure toward him". 2And so the moon, and the planets combined to create a spectacle that would remind mankind that god was indeed smiling upon them,with a winking eye and a crooked smile! ;)

Bengaluru nightsky was blessed with this pleasant sight on dec 1st 2008, Jupiter, venus and the moon met for a sky party and there were smiles all around!

She was taken away!

As I walked down a by-lane

Witness was I, to a terrible sight

There she was, howling in pain

Caught by the neck, but still in the fight

She moved to the left, she jumped to the right

But, caught she was, in the dog catcher's snare

I stopped to watch, and pity her plight

To plead her case, I did not dare

She slipped, she fell, into the gutter,

Not able to watch, I walked away

I heard cries in the distance, from her abandoned litter

The puppies yelped, for their mother to stay

The tears didn't flow, the sadness remained

The cruelty all around, had hardened my life

Taken to a far place, to be maimed,

Or beaten, or killed, or put under a knife.

All through the week, I pondered her plight

With time her pain, slipped out of my head

As I walked by the lane, one fine night

I saw her! Healthy as ever, she wasn't dead!

With puppies in tow, she ran free

A green band on her neck, reminded of that day

Cruelty was still at bay, I had to agree

With my smile back in place, I called it a day.

Its a carrot's life!

Most of us eat them, some of us spit them out, but carrots are more than just food items, they have a soul, and each one has a story to tell,

Take Shiela here for instance, she was a model once, has even posed for the PlayCarrot! Sadly a mid life crisis ended her career, a strange growth appeared on her previously flawless thighs! She works as a waitress now, and has taken the setback in her stride, is a proud mother of three beautiful saplings.But most importantly she's happy! An example of carrot resilience!









Or the brave Severus, who served in the Royal Vegetable army(RVA) during the revolt of the fruits. He lost a leg when he was crushed under a rolling jackfruit, inspite of his disability he served under the administrative core of the RVA. In his twilight years he's finally looking to settle down with a lady! We must salute these brave men who put aside their life to further the vegetarian cause.





Many men have faced the grating machine, but few have lived to tell the tale "O twas sharp! It cut me legs clean off the jimmy, i 'owled in pain, no 'elp came, me dragged me down till the city gates, me passes out and finds me self in the 'ospital, me thanks the great god Carrotus for 'is protection" so says Amputus, yet another tale of living with the horrors that carrots face daily!






There are brave men, and then there are men who have no choice but to be brave! Some of us have to live with what nature deals out to us, such is the case with jerry "shorty" Halwa. He was just born short! Teased by the cucumbers at school, ignored by the lady fingers during his formative years, but now is the richest vegetable on the planet, he has a personal net worth of 56% vitamin C, 23% of iron content and 21% of that miracle compound Ethanol!









So you see friends, carrots are people too, they've got their quirks, they have their abnormalities, next time you take a bite, remember that you might be swallowing a story!


(P.S i still have these carrots in my fridge.....i don't have the heart to cut em up and eat em! :( )

Plotting

As i sat there sipping hot coffee
A pleasant sight met mine eyes
Two little kids sat at a distance
Conspiring like secretive spies

They planned with hushed whispers,But
wicked grins betrayed their intention
They were plotting to make an escape
From their long and tiring detention

Parents loomed over our brave young heroes
Making difficult their quest for freedom
There were guarded fiercely, like jail inmates
This was a kidnap that demanded no ransom

The sweet smell of coffee permeated the room
The parents as usual were drawn to this scent
As the guards abandoned their post for a welcome drink
The lock on their cage loosened for a moment

With a look of triumph on their faces
They made a run for it, without a moment to spare
Like birds freed from long captivity
They sped away gleefully, on their respective wheelchairs!

The sweet escape

This was his worst nightmare, anyone's worst nightmare. He had a gun in his hand, held 5 mm away from the skull of the worst criminal in town, but it was of no use, the ball was not in his court. He would lose.

After 3 months of tracking, surveillance and some good intelligence work, the crack team led by Superintendent of police Raghav Reddy had managed to trap the gangsters responsible for the Bangalore bomb blasts that had torn apart the roots of the once peaceful garden city.

Nestled away in a warehouse on the outskirts of the city, the felons were calmly weathering the storm, bidding their time to escape for safer havens, but a tip off for the police from one among them was going to cut short the peaceful interlude.

The squealing from one of the mob rats was just the opportunity Raghav was looking for, his moment of glory was upon him, he would personally lead the small team of commandos, although in his 40s the man was as fit as a new recruit. After many weeks of mounting tension, potshots at the police for its inefficiency, and sleepless nights, this good fortune had come like a blast of fresh air. He was gonna nail those killers!

The past few weeks had been a nightmare for the police chief, a divorce notice from his estranged wife, a possible custody battle for his 2 yr old, that he was bound to lose, a stock market crash that had wiped out half his hard-earned wealth, if this wasnt enough his career was at stake because of the intelligence failure that lead to the gruesome bomb attack.

As the commandos waited for the signal to go in, Raghav allowed himself to smile, this was gonna be easy, he held the cards, or so he thought. With one last deep breath Raghav signaled for the attack to begin, there would be two points of attack, a head on flurry of bullets from the front and a more strategic attack at the mob bosses who were possibly hiding at the back of the large warehouse.

The mobsters were more than prepared for the frontal attack, the flurry of bullets that Raghav had envisioned was entirely present, only in the opposite direction. As his men got butchered at the entrance, Raghav made his way to the elusive mafia leader who was watching the shoot-fest with much pleasure, holding his gun to the head of the criminal, Raghav whispered "game over".

Raghav had caught the mafioso by surprise, but the look of surprise was soon replaced by a look of victory, the game wasn't over after all. Looking right into Raghav's eye the underworld don motioned towards one of his minions, who disappeared momentarily only to re-appear with a woman and a child, Raghav's wife and child!

This was his worst nightmare, anyone's worst nightmare. He had a gun in his hand, held 5 mm away from the skull of the worst criminal in town, but it was of no use, the ball was not in his court. He would lose.


As the criminal lord taunted him to shoot, the cries of his wife and child filled his ears, although he didnt care much for his wife, he loved his little angel, the precious child who was the anchor in his storms of late, he would rather die than let anything happen to her. He would rather die!


He didnt have too many choices, shooting the mafia lord would be a just end, justice would be served, the bomb victims would be avenged. But his wife and child would surely die. Surrendering would mean sure death. Death. Or worse, he would be used to broker a safe exit for the felons.

The entire weight of the world was upon Raghav, and he just wanted to escape, float through space, lay his mind to rest, relax. The idea of escaping captured his mind, and there was just one way to escape, one way to disappear! The sweet escape.


Raghav Reddy, Superintendent of police, brought the gun to his temple and shot himself.



2 hours later at the chief minister's office


"I don't know if he planned it but, what he did caught the goons unawares, they were in total disarray, they abandoned the hostages and tried to make a run for it, they fell right into the hands of the squadron waiting outside. We were lucky i must say"

"Well, that's that, to the world, Raghav reddy was killed in the police attack, he will be a decorated police hero, brief the press accordingly, case dismissed"

A lot on his mind!

Recently a friend and i were walking down a road, at a distance we could see this cute li'll puppy! Cute as an adjective for a puppy is cliche, but this one really was that li'll extra bit cute!

Unable to resist life's simple pleasures we motioned towards the cute ball of fur! But there was something really strange about this puppy, its face was contorted in agony, it bore an expression of great worry, the way my face seems to look an hour before an exam! The puppy seemed depressed, like it had lost something of great value, its brows knitted together, the eyes dark and hollow, lips quivering, forming a collage of confusion and tension!

Adding salt to the puppy's deep mental wounds we proceeded to pat and cuddle the adorable creature, which only served to incense the sense of insecurity within the puppy! Our dexterous attempts to trap the puppy and forcibly console him added to the misery of the li'll fella. Finally due to sympathy for a fellow created being and the possibility of catching rabies we let the pup run free. Without a single expression of triumph on its face the pup ran to the safety of an overgrown shrub. Following our movements till we were out of sight with a hawk like gaze!

This was perhaps the first time i saw an animal display such raw and unabashed emotion! The pup most probably lost track of its mother, considering the fact that dogs can sniff a scent miles away, the pup will most likely have its smile restored. But it brought a mixed bag of feelings for me.

It led me to wonder about how we kill animals for food, destroy their habitats for various purposes, separate many a mother and child by poaching and huting, i pondered about the variety of emotions that the animals could be feeling, without vocal cords to protest, to complain or to seek justice except perhaps to howl at night, at the solitary glowing yellow mass in the sky, screaming at the moon for being such a silent and indifferent witness.

The pup also reminded me about the momentary worries that consume our very existence, that serve to bring a perpetual frown to most of our faces, the pup was deathly frightened about losing its mother, who probably went lurking for food in the neighboring garbage bin! Similarly we worry, fret and even trouble others with our problems which we will not even remember in a few years time. And its amazing how we run away from the greater being ,just like the pup, when he tries to console and comfort us!

The simple lessons that can be learned by observing the actors in the great stage act called nature!

Acting my age!

Ever had that fantasy where you board a train, rush past the struggling old lady to your seat, push all the luggage under the seats before the others have a chance, and then you look up to see a beautiful girl! and then you get to talking with the girl and you discover she's your soulmate, someone who shares all your quirks, your interests , your hopes and even your dreams?

That happened to me recently!

Well atleast with a few minor details skewed, but finer details dont really make a difference to the big picture! does it?

So i board the kanyakumari express heading to Kerala(where else?) . There really was no old lady to rush past but i did stuff our ample luggage under our seats . And then i look up to see a middle aged woman and her adolescent son beaming upon me, my fantasy was not quite chugging along as i expected, unless the middle aged woman did a "desperate housewife" on me, but thankfully, my less than average looks and messy hair ruled out any such adventurism.

As i sulked on the fast decreasing possibility of my fantasy coming true i decided to check on my mother in the adjoining bogey, she was as usual locked in a conversation with her neighboring passenger, its amazing how women bond with other strange women in a strange train travelling through strange lands, but in this case my mothers socialising with strangers skill worked to my advantage.

As the the women rambled on about how 'sita' from the latest tear jerking serial had wrongly abused her daughter in law because she had added too much salt in the fish curry! i wondered if excitement would ever invade my state of boredom! And lo! there by my side was this really cute girl carrying her little brother, and amazingly she settled right beside me, she was the lady's daughter, my mother extended the 'blah blahs' to include the daughter, soon i joined in the conversation.

Her name was Rebecca, and like her mother i took the liberty of calling her becky, she had glasses on, but unlike my case it only served to enhance her looks, conversation soon landed on favorite t'v shows, and what do you know! She was a disney channel freak like me! She loved Hannah Montana,hadn't missed an episode! and all the other shows i watched on a daily basis! Playful as i am i suggested a game of name place animal thing! she agreed with great glee and excitement, after a while of playing that we moved on to word-building and even stone-paper-scissors!

So my age old fantasy was finally being fulfilled, i had met the one!! but curse those minor details, they ruined my perfect train journey


let me cut to the chase, Becky was 9 years old


The very minor detail kept me from cultivating further thoughts and adding to the fantasy! But truth be told i never had so much fun in a long long time! Sharing the simple joys and games of a child put me in the zone, it made me feel like i belong somewhere, I started acting my age, my mental age atleast!

Watching one too many cartoons you might say! Your dead right! I never really got over watching cartoons and playing board games, or eating chocolates behind your mother's back or even wetting the bed(just kidding i stopped that when i was 17).

As we neared our destination, i dutifully took down becky's phone number and the name of her primary school, in case i learned some new strategies in stone-paper-scissors and wanted to try em out!

But hey! li'll girls grow up to be big girls dont they, scouting early never hurt anyone! Just hope she still is crazy about Hannah Montana in 10 years time!

Case of the missing 'Jetti'

Kerala being one of the most hygenic states of India, the underwear has become an object of much usage as well as admiration to the malayalees, Often have the malayalees claimed to be the inventors of the 'langotti', the made-in-India loin cloth, worn by the more fortunate throughout the annals of history, A claim that is hotly contested by groups from all over India,


Nevertheless, evidence suggests that the malayalees for once may be telling the truth, the phonetics assosiation of Kerela provided the clinching evidence to secure the argument in favor of the malayalees, for they have discovered that the underwear is so ingrained into the malayalee society that new and amazing words have been formed just to utter the need for this wonderous contraption.



The chaddi, shaddi(my grandma's version), sheddi(slight variations are prevalent due to geographical differences), The shatti , The Jetti and many more interesting variations.
Like all great travellers, the malayalee too is singlemindedly determined to spread his culture and style wherever he goes. There are the jettiites, the shaddiites, shettiites and many more tribes under the 'hole'y umbrella of the underwear. My cousin Aashish Alexander is a Jettiite, and even when he was sent(deported) to Nepal to complete his education, he took the gospel of the jetti with him,and if you were to believe him, he had many of the hostelites convert to the Jetti clan.



One night Aashish was sleeping as usual with his jetti intact, and thats when he recieved a rough poke to his shoulder, He wakes up with a start and he finds his roomate Gund towering above him wearing nothing but a towel. This was pretty strange considering that Gund always slept with nothing but his underwear on.
Aashish rubs his eye, glances at the clock, which read 1 a.m and says
"What is it?"

To which gund replies

"Eda...where is my jetti? I remember going to sleep in my jetti, but i woke up without it! Help me look for it"

My cousin had done a lot of strange things in his life, but he was not going to look for someone else's underwear at 1 a.m.

"eh? you probably slept without it, were you drunk before you crashed? lets look for it in the morning....Go to sleep"



But no amount of cajoling by Aashish could stop Gund's singleminded determination to find his missing Jetti . Readers are cautioned not to consider this as abnormal behavior, the jettiites are known to get overtly atttached to their jettis, a jetti is almost like a part of one's body, removed grudgingly only to answer the freqeunt calls of nature.



So the two hapless undylovers got down to searching for the lost sheep, the suitcases only revealed Gund's stash of dry cleaned and ironed Jettis waiting to adorn their owner, the loft provided no solace for the search party. Finally after three hours of frantic searching, our brave heros decided to call it a night, daylight would reveal more they opined. A tearful Gund retired to his side of the bed.



As the first rays of sunlight shone across Aashish's face, he wondered if the deeds of the previous night was just a dream, his bedside was unoccupied, was Gund too afflicted by his sorrow? where had he gone? The sound of water running in the shower brought relief to Aashish. A long day with a mission awaited him. He would have to be brave, relentless in his pursuit, committed to the purpose.
The sharp sound of the phone ringing woke Aashish from his reverie. Gund's phone was ringing, news of the lost jetti? The chirpy voice of Gund's mom greeted Aashish, he informed her that Gund was taking a bath, on being asked about the state of affairs, He shamelessly related the case of the missing Jetti.



Gund's mom was hardly surprised by what happened . She told him about how Gund was a notorious sleepwalker who had done much damage in his youth, and would wake up without an inkling of what had happened the previous night.



Aashish cut the call short and rushed outside to look for the jetti, the search of the immediate surrounding yielded no results, As he ventured forward, he saw it................


Perched upon the radio antenna of Gund's Ford Ikon was the pink Jetti, like a flag fluttering upon a conquered peak, Aashish supressed the urge to salute this symbol of jettiism, grabbed the jetti and returned it as soon as possible to its rightful owner

Gund had travelled a good 100 mts from his room, had divested himself of his garment and had walked back to bed. The medical profession has a lot of work to be done in cracking the mystery of sleepwalking. With the case of the missing jetti solved, all was at peace. To this day Aashish wonders about the event, was it an espionage operation by the underwear-hattao movement? Or was this a genuine case of sleepwalking? Why would Gund reomove his beloved Jetti even if he was sleeping. Some mysteries may never be solved.

But for all practical purposes, the Case of the missing Jetti has been closed.

MOM WARS: EPISODE UMPTEEN

Any mother-son relationship would not be complete without its fair share of arguments, "good advice" from the mother, ill-timed advice from the son to stop the increasing amount of "good advice" he's been getting, the all out war of words when advice moves over to the realm of commands,and when push comes to shove (and broom) good ol dad has to step in and restore the peace with the customary 'let him do what he wants' .

Recently, after a long dreary day in college, i pile a chunk of food on to my plate, and flopped on the couch with the holy grail of couchdom (the remote) in hand. After a good 5 mins of channel surfing i settled for ESPN. The championship deciding football match in the EPL seemed inviting,

Rooney passes to ronaldo, ronaldo crosses to tevez, a brilliant cross from tevez back to ronaldo,
the crowd's on the edge of their seats, ronaldo has an opening, the goalkeeper is nowhere in the frame, he shoots......

"Whats with your sudden interest in football, huh?"

Didnt the 16th commandment read "thou shalt not interrupt thy son/father/husband when he's wathching sports, if thou doest, thou shalt face his wrath , which is unequaled even by me , saith the lord" . Clearly, my mother hadn't gone beyond the ten other vital commands. But the underlying sarcasm from behind, stabbed me like a piercing arrow, the venom poured into that very part of my heart where pele, maradona and zidane resided. I wasnt gonna let this go!

with my eyes still following ronaldo's celebrations, i started off on a verbal assault!

"WHAAAT?"

"What am i supposed to do while eating, watch the dead meat?"

"Am i supposed to have my nose in a textbook even while eating?"

"you have a problem with everything!"

"If i were watching a news channel, you'd have a problem with that, Ftv would be even more of a problem, your constant 'grow up' remarks forced me to give up wathcing cartoon network! can't you just let me live??"

"what you need is a dog, not a son, atleast the dog would have PETA to defend him"

"So when are you going to censor my thoughts, or are you doing that already"

I paused a moment to give my mom some time to squeeze in her half of the argument, her unusual silence spurred me on, maybe i had a case here, i had her on the ropes, time to give in the final punch, silence her for a couple of weeks atleast.

"Was i adopted, is that why you treat me so bad"

"Oh i get it! your my step mom aren't you? I knew it"

"Even cinderalla was treated better, atleast she could watch football in peace"

"Where is my fairy god-dude?"

"Once i get a job, i'm moving out, i'll get a new mom"

okay, maybe i went too far with the last comment, i didnt exactly want to skip dinner for a couple of weeks, so i stopped and looked at her, and said

"Okay now, why arent you saying anything? give up? finally! after 20 years"

Thats when mom broke her silence

"I was talking to nidhi(my brother) not you, HA"

Sometimes when you prepare and give a seminar in class, your all excited and pumped up, but no one gives a rip about what you blabbered, and at the end of it you feel like an idiot for having wasted everone's time, i felt like that, only worse.


I finished the food in a jiffy, switched off the t.v, and avoiding eye contact with my mother i retire to the sanctuary of my room. After burying my head under the pillow for a good fifteen minutes, i emerged with a big smile on my face! i had something to blog about!

Stay tuned though, the mom wars saga isn't gonna end anytime soon, the empire will strike back!

Lost in translation!

Unity in diversity, The triumphant banner of post Independence India! With some 30(?) states and innumerable no. of languages, things can get confusing at times .

                               Take me for instance, i was born a malayalee hence i speak Malayalam, but because of my father's frequent transfers to all corners of India, i cannot read or write Malayalam! But we settled down in Bangalore some ten years back, so i can read and write Kannada but cannot speak intelligent Kannada if a gun were held to my head! Add to that a semester of Marathi in third grade and Hindi speaking abilities that deteriorated due to my extended stay in South India, So here i am trying to communicate using the greatest of British imports ENGLISH!

                            Thankfully though I'm not alone in this linguistic paradox. I didn't even have to look too far.My cousin Aashish who is a doctor, was born in Nigeria,studied in Yemen, high school in kerala and finally mbbs in Nepal. Heaven alone knows the languages he's proficient in!
            
                                             He recently took up a job in Kottayam, Kerela (Mallu heartland) . He can utter mallu theri (swear words) like a seasoned expert and knows the nuances of the language like a sahityakaran(litterateur) , yet he cannot write or read malayalam! A recipe for disaster!
 
                                    His job involved playing apprentice to the far more experienced MD and basically just watching and learning as well as doing the odd jobs that only a doctor could do. His opinion would be called for during interesting scenarios as well as suggestions when the situation arose.
   
            So, on this particular day a lady walks into the consulting room and produces a letter of  some sort . The MD takes a long look at it, reading all the way to the bottom and then re-read it again, his eye-brows knitted together in concentration. He seemed perplexed! He tosses over the letter to Aashish and says

"Do you concur?"


My cousin was taken aback by this 'StarTrek' sounding command by his superior.  
So he hurried to take a look at this sacred piece of parchment that had caused 
such a harried reaction in his all knowing teacher. To his dismay, no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get an inkling of what was written, Because it was written in Malayalam . Panic struck him, thick and fast. He had to save face somehow! His very job could be at stake! So he put forth a very vague sounding.....

"Interesting case sir, the standard procedure would suffice for this patient, but we must proceed
fast"


The MD's face was as impassive as ever, was this some kind of in-hospital test? my cousin wondered. The MD took a deep breath and ventured..

"Aashish, would you care to explain to the lady about her illness"

'I am done for, certainly!' thought Aashish. He took a deep breath, called upon his lucky stars and let his mouth do all the thinking and talking.

"Ma'am you have a common illness, nothing to worry about, take the prescribed tablets as the chemist orders and you will be fine in no time. A lot of rest, a whole lot of nutritious food, and you'll be back in the pick of health in no time!!"


My cousin sat back in an air of triumph and satisfaction. But the MD looked as bewildered as ever, The patient who was even more confused, had a question or two to ask, She was cut short by the MD,


"Madam would you care to step outside for a moment, we need to discuss your case at length"

Aashish's throat went dry, the customary 100 lashes ancient slaves received seemed inviting, confessing the truth seemed the only way out. As he geared up to defend himself, the impatient and angry MD spoke up...

"What in Christ's name was written in that piece of paper? I cannot read a word of Malayalam!!! I was looking to you for a hint or a suggestion of some sort. But you were more incomprehensible than a doctor's handwriting!"

My cousin heaved a huge sigh of relief and explained how he was in the same predicament!! The two had a hearty laugh and finally had to rely on the lowly nurse to provide a solution. It turned out that the MD had himself studied abroad and was part of the linguistic diaspora that could speak certain languages but couldn't read or write it!!


It is such diversity and interesting intricacies that are unique to being an Indian. Nowhere else would such interesting situations arise! Call it a blessing or a curse but we Indians are forever destined to be Lost in Translation!!


                      
                   
                              
                                                
             

LOW BLOW

Shah Rukh Khan dances, he charms , he dreams , he falls in love , dies , is reborn , kicks villain's ass, THE END. Yet another bollywood blockbuster, Yet again i fell for the marketing blitz and decided to find out for my self what Om Shanti Om was all about .So i went to the local multiplex, sat through the song-dance-song nightmare as SRK magically changed costumes between every scene, while the couple on my right 'choochey cooed' tirelessly(which was way more entertaining than the movie by the way) . The real life drama dwarfed Srk's over-acting


"you didn't call me for the 6th time last night"


"But honey, i was just lookin at your picture on my cieling and dreaming"


"Really?...choo chweet.....so how do i look today?"


"You look like a princess my love"



"Seriously?.....princess of a biiiggg country or a small country?"


"Princess of a continent...a solar system....why a galaxy i say! "


"Awwwww.....you know you look so cute..WHEN YOU LIE!!...LOSER!!...galaxy indeed!! Use your flattery on Tina, not on me!!!" (she folds her hands and looks my way....i manage to put forth a weak smile!)


"But honey...Tina is just a friend....nothing more....."



"Maybe you should make her something more"


"but...but....."



"Don't talk to me"


what followed was 5 mins of silence...which i utilised to empty my bucket of popcorn....


"If you don't talk to me"....sniff....sniff...."I might as well die"....sniff....."your my light, my sunshine, my moonlight, my street light, my all"


"My baby...don't cry!...i was just being silly....you know i love you....."


sniff..."me too"....


what followed is best not described, considering the younger audience of this blog!!.....I had great fun though....kissing scenes are always cleverly avoided in hindi movies(THe damned tree).... Lets just say i got my money's worth!!


SRK manages to overcome the more muscular and younger villain, and gets to live happily ever after with the heroine who's half his age!!....GREAT! The rigamarole ended! After the boredom extravaganza, all i wanted to do was head home, so i dial the driver and gave him instructions on where to pick us up .


As usual i used a pot pourri of south indian languages to communicate with the driver (in the end it turns out that he speaks my native tongue malayalam) . So here i am, lost in the dilema over the choicest words to be used to describe my location, I mindlessly walk out through the exit, and into the dark tunnel that led to the outside. And thats when.......


I recieve a soft squeeze to my rear!!

Not since when i came out of my mother's insides and the doctor slapped me gently on my buttocks have i gotten any sorta attention to the "back door". I move the cell away from my ear and look back aghast!!


And when i looked back i saw the fairer half of the couple staring at me in a state of shock and confusion, our eyes met in a moment of understanding, i was rooted to the spot, while she covered her face and retired to the arms of her beau!


The boyfriend probably thought i was troubling his lady and gave me a snooty look. Before the situation worsened i slipped away into the crowd!! PHEW!!


Looking back...i wonder if the guy was my identical butt twin, my long lost bum buddy, cause the girl mistakened her lover's rear for mine, there must have been some similarity! Or did she do that on purpose? Were my butt cheeks too difficult to resist? ALAS... i may never know! But the incident has frightened me thoroughly! I found my self walking sideways and keeping my back to the wall every time i walked through a crowd. I realised that my ASSets are to protected from any sort of intended or unintended harm!!
Damn that SRK!

Celebrating the worst!!

This is an article i wrote for our department yearbook 'PHOENIX' which didnt exactly rise from its ashes. But thats why one starts a blog. Free publishing!!


In the beginning god created man, man created jokes, some men tried to create jokes, but failed and hence was born the POOR JOKE(P.J) . Okay we can live with P.Js , they crack you up! But when some people dedicate their lives towards the advancement of nonsense, Grrrrrrr! We as members of R.I.S.E must rise above and trounce the propitiators of B.P.L.Js(Below the poverty line jokes, yes such a thing does exist! You will see as you read on) .
Caution – I have only compiled the collection, was in no way responsible for creating any of em! , But I shall let you into a secret….psssst…..Kunal jadhav 4th sem c.s…..yes the kingpin himself….Yep!!...those old chappals lying in the closet will come in handy!!
Here goes nothing!!

1.A man is walking down the street. A parrot curiously calls out his name from a tree. Ahem!!...Which geometric figure comes to mind?

Ans:- Parabola ( parrot bola!...this was a mild one you’ll be clenching your teeth in no time!)

2.A man is crossing a jungle on a bike, midway through his journey a jubilant peacock comes in his way and he is forced to stop. This curious event happens every hour!! What could be the possible reason?

Ans:- Well he was riding the Tvs Victor !...no clue?...more smiles per hour!!...mor==peacock ….heh heh!!....not very funny is it?...i know!!

3.A man (Who is this “man”?) is being chased by a lion through a dense dark jungle . Fortunately he finds a rope and climbs on to it . But for some unfathomable reason there is a candle right under the rope and its burning the rope away . And the lions prowling right under him, He must think and think fast!...what does he do?

Ans :- He says HAPPY BIRTHDAY….the lion blows the candle!....don’t worry I was speechless too when I heard the “solution” for the first time!!....

4. What do bees do if they don't want to drive?
Ans :-Wait at the buzz stop (Buzz off?...don’t blame me! I just compile them)


5. What happens if you take mickey mouse and throw him onto a wall?
Ans:- Well you get the Ramayana…simple really!....if you take mickey and throw him on a wall you get wall mickey…wallmickey….wallmiki…..valmiki….And valmike writes the Ramayana!....simple deduction Watson!!


6. A fish bangs onto a concrete wall. What does he say?
Ans :- ‘Dam’n!!....One particular person took an entire year to get this one!!....but is it a bad joke? Yes! because according to the second theory of bad jokesim “If a person or a living being takes 365 or 366 days to figure out a joke then according to the converse of the first theorem the joke is bad joke”…Eh?...don’t ask me I haven’t figured a single theorem in my 19 years either!


7. A solitary hunter is trudging through the deep forests of Africa. Suddenly he spots something , he aims , he shoots Elephant!!...But the pigeon dies!..whatever happened?
Ans:- Well could it be that the the bullet according to the theory of relativity sped at the speed of light and time traveled into another dimension only to emerge back into our time and hit a new but pre-destined target?.....Arre mamu….this is a bplj!! The only way to arrive at the solution is to bang your head against the wall till you get gangrene . That won’t be necessary….the pigeon’s name was elephant!


8.The ultimate!!…. A man is stranded on a boat….just bitter salt water for miles all around…Its just him , his boat and 2 cigarettes .he wants to smoke the cigarette badly (He missed the bold ‘cigarettes are injurious to health sign’ too like the other millions, baffling!!) . What does he do?
Ans :- Solar energy? Nah….oh..o…I get it!..he rubbed pieces of wood together and made fire…NO!!....use bplj logic….Well he chucked one of the cigarettes away. The boat becomes “lighter”, he uses the “lighter” and lights the cigarette!...game set and match….Yes rocket science i think is easier!
All good thing must come to an end. So its even more certain that bad things have abrupt endings! But we must sit back and admire the ingenuity and extreme creativity of the men who create such gems of literature . Or bring out your guns!!

First Love

It was love at first sight. We(a friend and i) were shopping at brigade road, walking around with no specific purpose, with an ice-cream cone in one hand, shopping bags in the other, we stepped into yet another shop laughing joking and being merry, thats when i saw her......

She was dark, yet she had that radiance about her, she wore a metallic grey outfit that seemed to adorn her magically, was adrenaline clouding my eyesight or was i looking at a queen?And the best part was, this was not going to be some look-fantasise-forget experience, my friend actually knew her!! He hastened towards her with a smile, I naturally followed suit . He had met her at the same store 2 weeks back, co-incidentally, and had been acqauinted with her.


She seemed to be the star of the show somehow, people were crowding around her, was she some kind of celebrity? i wondered. Up close she looked fabulous. As my friend introduced me to her, i realised that beneath the looks and the aura, there was a soul, in her i saw a possible "best friend" other people were said to have, she was very friendly, acessible, easy goin . I was spell bound and dazed but was sane enough to get a contact no.



There was nothing else i could think of that night, She was in my dreams, I woke up thinking about her, I wanted her, every bit of her, she would complete me, assist me,entertain me and i would give her power, friendship, anything she wanted! I would buy her any acessory, any enhancement she wanted, she would be mine forever and ever.


A couple of days later, I met her again, but this time i would take her home, nothing had made me this excited ever, on the way home, i told her everything i could think of, i just couldn't shut up, he re-assuring silence only spurred me on.


When we reached home, i carried her upstairs, Boy was she heavy! but weight was never a criterion for me, i never had liked the slim sort. She was all i wanted. When we reached my room i hurriedly divested her of all her adornings, i lifted her up, placed her on my table, and we connected at a level we never had.


At this point, your either thinking "Well..something is fishy" or hoping for a scene out of The Original Sin, nothing is fishy and its not angelina-banderas style action, but it was action all right,i turned her on, i stroked her all night,increased her volume, tweaked her to perfection, and i have been doing all this and more for over 4 years now . My HP pavilion t430i desktop computer is undoubtedly one of the best thing that ever happened to me.


So this is a tribute to "her" . She's just not any computer , she really is beautiful, she has still not died on me, has stuck with me through viruses, worms, She's been my avenue to another world. Rock on baby! Papa loves you loads


Isn't she HOTT?;)

Being a MAN

Recently i went over to my good friend rahul's house to catch up on the past year, re live the past joys and ponder upon the fast approaching future, Our conversation chanced upon the latest aamir khan starrer 'Taare Zameen Par' , the tale of a dislexic boy who discovers his potential.

For those who are unfamiliar, the movie is known to be a tear jerker, for even the most stoic of men, But not for Rahul, of course not, his insensitivity is legendary!



"So, vivek did you cry during the movie?"

Rahul asked with a glitter in his eye,

I had cried a bucketful, even the little girl who sat next to me was staring, and offered her hand kerchief, i returned it after wiping my eyes and blowing my blocked nose, she strangely threw it away, very strange, but coming back to the matter at hand, Rahul would pull my leg for ages if he came to know the truth.



"Dude you crazy? i don't cry! i'm a man" i replied defiantly. Somehow my half hearted reply didnt even convince me. Rahul was not gonna let this go. I had embarassed him often enough, he finally had something on me, i had to find a way out.



"Don't lie, Your eyes must have filled up with tears atleast" he shot back. Was he there at the theatre? Did he plant that li'll girl to catch me in my weakest moment. Did he videotape the whole incident. All manner of thoughts raced through my head. Should i admit it and plead for mercy? Should i book a ticket out of bangalore? Run while i had my pride intact?



"Of course not, i was yawning throughout, damned kid got dumped in a damned boarding school. why should i cry?" My nerve had thankfully not given way. Maybe this battle could be won. Maybe i could still walk with my head held high. Die another day!



"Okay your throat must have choked atleast"The man was onto something, he could smell a rat, and was playing around like a cat playing with its prey, before going for the kill! I should give up while i still can i decided.



"Fine!! My throat did go dry, thats when i reached for my neighbour's pepsi, But i did not cry" I gave way, maybe he would go easy. i hoped and prayed.



"So you choked and did not cry. Like a typical man! There is nothing wrong with crying yaar, its natural, only a real man would cry, Try crying dude, it helps, You feel way better after you let the tap in your head flow, you'll feel much better" Rahul ended his little speech with a pat on my back.





This from the man who was the tower of insensitivity in school, the basketball playing mindless brute, who didn't even bat an eyelid when he was last in class 11 along with me. The man who sent his dog away and visits her during festivals(Thats another long story).

Life had changed my friend. Wholesale changes!!!



Or had it? maybe he was putting up this macho act just to save face with me.We were playing this double act all this while! and hiding our true sides, our true feelings!



I'm not gonna conclude by asking everyone to show their true sides and not to go with whats "cool" .Rahul and i had shitloads of fun playing men while we were still boys, The fun making and abuse has no parallel . Twas just a funfilled chapter in the picture book of life, you can paint it in any which way you want .



As a boy i painted like a man

When i became a man

i look back at the paintings of boyhood

trying to 'be a man'