My humorous speech contest entry!

The problem began when i put in “reading” as one of my hobbies in my resume.
Its not like i was lying, i do quite a lot of reading......
i read messages, television listings, billboards, and even woman’s era


But whenever i mention my reading lists during job interviews i get weird reactions.
The last interviewer even tried to be funny. After listening to me he said.
“we might have a small opening for you”
Really? sir? An opening?
Its right here.....he said.....pointing to the door.....get out!



Good afternoon my dear toastmasters and guests.
I decided then and there that i had to do some fancy reading to improve my chances of being employed.
What better than the works of William Shakespeare??
So i started off with Romeo and Juliet, maybe i could learn a thing or two about romance from there....women’s era is too one sided...men are blamed for everything!



But as i read through it i realised that romeo and Juliet were only 13 years old, teenagers!!!....
I mean when i was thirteen.... i was still wetting my bed....
Its okay......i stopped by the time i was 21!
Because when i turned 21 i had to ask myself the question “to pee or not to pee”


And all this is not even the most outrageous part of the whole play, towards the end Juliet puts herself into a deep sleep for ten days.....i know women need their beauty sleep and all but 10 days? For that matter if she wanted to become more beautiful she just had to refer to women’s era july 2004 issue...the papaya extract facial.....if it can work for me it can work for you sisters....just make sure you ex-foliate your skin before and after applying it....i’ll explain in detail later....


So Juliet is in this deep sleep, and poor old romeo thinks she’s dead....so he our brave hero commits suicide....
I mean dude....why don’t you check her pulse and and confirm that she is dead...or say something like “Juliet lets go shopping” ...she would have sprang up in no time.....or atleast wait till the post mortem report....
But no.....
The brainiac drinks poison and kills himself....and thats when Juliet wakes up.....a minute too late.....and she too commits suicide....a tragedy!

This is what happens if you don’t go for the papaya extract facial....Thats the greatest tragedy!

Romeo and Juliet just didn’t appeal to my liberated 21st century feminine mind?..wait a minute....did i just say feminine mind..? Reading women’s magazines have some unexpected side effects...must continue my testosterone therapy..i wanted something more macho more manly.......so i picked up Julius Caesar!!!... more like my thing.... i even heard that Jennifer Lopez’s husband Marc Anthony had a cameo role in it......


Now Julius Caesar started off okay.... this guy called Cassius tries convincing everyone they must kill Caesar....because ......Caesar had a bit of an addiction......he was addicted to shopping!! Seriously! I’m not kidding...

If you check your history books you’ll find that Caesar was the first to declare...
“Vini Vidi Visa” i came i saw i went shopping!!!

All the senators really hated Caesar because he would wear Gucci and Armani and the rest of them had to wear white loin cloth and olive leaves in their hair! Thats not fair! And it meant murder!

Few days later Caesar’s best friend BRUTUS and the other senators...stab him in the back.....and kill him!
And they even stole his Visa card!

So all of caesar’s friends.....thats Marc Antony..... and his wife Jennifer Lopez....... decide to fight against brutus and cassius.....
But before the battle could get started before things got interesting.....brutus and cassius..... commit suicide........


I don’t know why....but the suicide rates in shakespeare’s plays are very high.... Shakespeare probably didn’t have a fight director or stunt choreographer...so he must have had to get everyon e to kill themselves..that must have been the reason....

But the tragedy in this play was that....Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez decide to get a divorce! Well if you want to know the reason you have to read Shakespeare’s next play....

“Anthony and Cleopatra!”

Ahem! These Hollywood couples i tell you!

After reading Julius caesar i just didn’t have the patience to read another one of Shakespeare’s plays. I had enough!

So i shut the book and decided and watch some tv instead....i landed on the bollywood blockbuster.....Qayamat se Qayamat taq.....after watching it a while....i realised..this looks familiar...this is just like Romeo and Juliet...

But thats when i had a great idea

Since most of Shakespeare’s plays have been adapted into Hindi movies.all i had to do was watch movies! No more reading!!

So during my next campus interview.....I acted like i was born reading shakespeare.......i related the plot of “omkara” which is based on shakespeare’s OTHELLO. I just changed the names a bit.....and made sure everyone commited suicide in the end.

Even the narrator.

So i managed to get a job and didn’t even have to read a lot of shakespere!..... maybe i should now move on to some higher form of literature....something more deeper and profound.....something complex......
Harry potter?

Friends toastmasters bangaloreans....Lend me your forgiveness.....for i came to poke fun at Shakespeare....not to praise him!
Thank you!
Back to you contest chair!

i didnt win.....but got a great response from the audience! Its a great feeling when people laugh and enjoy themselves over the jokes you spent a considerable amount of time concocting....a great high! :)

Thudl in a nutshell!

A couple of days back i was staying over at my uncle's place and i chanced upon a copy of the TIME magazine, this was the annual edition featuring the hundred most influential people on earth. It featured one Indian, A R Rahman.No wonder the magazine isn't too popular in India!

As i flipped through the pages i saw an article on Rafael Nadal, which was written by Serena Williams, being an avid tennis fan i decided to read and find out about what makes Rafa tick.Serena says that Rafa is one of the most hardworking individuals in the tennis circuit.He's the first to arrive for practice and the last to leave,the student who sleeps last and rises up early,relentless in his pursuit of greatness!

The line about "rising early and sleeping late" struck a chord with me.I realized that if i am to do something useful in life i must adopt the same mindset and discipline. Show the same determination and passion in everything that i do.So

That night,


I slept very early,


And woke up real late!


:)


Thats me in a nutshell!

One of those pearls.......

Every star wars fan has a pet moment, a scene from the movie which sets his imagination rolling, fires up those goosebumps and forces you to roll up a newspaper and pretend that your a Jedi.

Whosh...buzz...whosh...buzz...dude i am your father......nooooo......really?.....:)

But for me, my defining moment came when i was watching 'Clone Wars' , a cartoon adaptation of the famous movie series. Two of the episodes had me perched at the edge of my seat, salivating with disbelief, fully engrossed by the unbelievable action and style shown by the protagonist. So sit back and enjoy.

Let me give a brief synopsis for those unaccustomed with the Jedi way.

The episode begins as with all Star wars episodes in a galaxy far far away, in a distant planet, the clones led by the iconic Master Mace Windu(second only to Master Yoda in stature and authority) are in battle against the rebel army consisting of droids in all sizes and shapes.Master Windu and the white-armored clones are able to hold the droids off, but that's when a monstrous terrain changing super machine enters the battle field.

Watch!




Oh no! Our hero has lost his all powerful light saber, leaving him defenceless,moreover he's surrounded by enemy droids, with a thousand laser guns pointed right at his throat! Is it all over for the great Jedi? Has the force left him for good? But his face betrays no emotion, does he know something that we don't? What could he possibly do?

Watch!



Wasn't that brilliant? :)

All he did was look left, look right and then sent a massive force blast to remove the enemy droids! After that the carnage begins! He beats the nuts and bolts out of the droids with his bare hands, uses the force to send a few of them to metallic kingdom come.

The best part was when he simply disseminated one of the bots with the force and then nonchalantly uses the debris to destroy a few more bots! What style! What panache! Woe to you James Bond, you cannot do any of these but even then these adjectives are ascribed to you!:D

And when he finally locates his light saber! My God Almighty! There is no stopping him! He wields it with indifference, body still, eyes fixed, but the light saber dances with unrelenting speed!

And the rest is fictional history! He brings down the towering machine with calculated precision. One man bringing down an army has always been a sight to watch, Neo vs the army of Smiths, Superman, Goku,Rajnikanth? Maybe not! But Mace Windu will fill fit in easily in this hall of glory.

Like all great heroes he doesn't hesitate to smile and accept a drink of water from the enviable boy, i bet he tried hard all his life to become a Jedi!:D

My adrenaline is pumping, must take a walk to cool off! heh!

P.S I may have sounded like a teenaged girl describing her encounter with a movie star, but what the heck! i'm more or less a teenager, bit of a girl, and Mace Windu is more than a movie star for me!

Mid conversation

"Why can't you be more like Jesus huh?"

"What??"

"You want me to get myself crucified? Aint happening!"

"Not that, why cant you act more like him?"

"Oh, you mean....turn water into wine? But i don't have a liquor license! Shucks!"

"Dont use the Lord's name in vain, that's written somewhere"

"Yeah? i thought it was 'Dont use the lord's name in Spain' all this while"

"Your hopeless! show some compassion like jesus did"

"Fashion? but the 30 A.D clothes look like nighties"

"No Idiot! Compassion, love, caring understanding, empathy"

"But i need a bunch of disciples, Pete where you?"

"You don't need disciples to change yourself"

"what i need is a virgin birth! But i'll make do with a virgin mobile instead, think hatke"

"Its a lost cause! Behave like jesus is what i meant!"

"Your right, think i'll go and raise the dead, care to volunteer your brain for my experiment?"

"Now Jesus would never say that!"

"Okay, 'Behold give me thine brain so i can fry and make fritters and then raise it to life"

"Sigh!"

"Tee hee! Oh i get it, i need to talk like Jesus"

"Finally! Things do go past your thick skull!"

"Yeah...Lets see....im gonna talk like Jesus from now"

"Its about time!!"

"Begone Satan!"

"What?"

"Be ye removed from my friend oh fallen one"

"Why do i even try?"

"Now whats the problem? Nothing i do ever suffices!"

"If you do it all wrong it won't"

"Maybe i should fast and pray for 40 days and 40 nights"

"Why dont you make that 90 days and 90 nights? Free trip to heaven if you do!"

"Really? fasting and praying? Is that fast praying?

"No numbskull, it means you don't eat food and concentrate on praying"

"Its a nice bargain, if at the end of it i can multiply fish and bread! I'll be a food billionaire"

"I wonder why God doesnt strike you dead"

"Because Jesus is loving and compassionate! Listen to what you preach sometimes"

"I think i just lost my capacity to think after talking to you"

"Dont worry i'll try and heal you"

"No thanks"

"Unbelief"

"Maybe im jewish! I'm starting to hate you!"

"whoa whoa....dont you go killing me, i'm still not so sure about ressurrection, havent tried that yet"

"A lot you havent tried, all im asking is for some non-violence from you"

"Now you want me to be like Gandhi? Boy you have issues"

"Argh!! Bye idiot"

"okay! Jeez! Go in peace! "


P.S Jesus if you reading this and feeling offended or something, then you could abuse me in the comments section, i'm just so desperate for comments you know, if its not too much trouble could you get the 12 disciples and your 10 million angels to comment too? Thanks

Synonymously yours!

A guy i know(ahem!) asked his girlfriend

"Baby, am i possessive or bossy or irritating?"

His girlfriend replies....

"No honey, of course not! Whatever gave you that idea? Your just over-protective, controlling and annoying!"

Rescued 8 times!

Engineering is behind me! The results of the last exam have come, the university has given us a nice parting gift in the form of liberal evaluations.They must believe in "last impression is the best impression"!:) All i'd say is we're not going to forget the needless revaluations, some of the shocking question papers or any of the schemes to empty our pockets(the last one was the forceful purchase of a lousy 25paise worth sticker for Rs15)!
At this point in time, most would be heaving a sigh of relief, some would be partying, others are worried about landing a job, but as for me, there is just one thought in my head, the thought which defines my engineering journey, what i learnt most, what is my greatest take-home in these 4 years.

Its the fact that god rescued me 8 times over the past 4 years.This is probably one of the greatest engineering cliches, but there was not one semester in which i could safely say that i'd clear all the subjects.There was always one irritant, one spoiler, one paper that left me a little shaken after three long hours.

<< rewind

1st Sem: This was the only semester where i was committed to study hard and prove something.What it is that I wanted to prove,I no longer remember! But inspite of all my efforts, Basic Electronics( the toughest subject in the 1st year) proved to be my Achilles' heel. The main exam was a shocker, i had never been so clueless during a public exam, but thankfully the rest of the population fared in the same manner. The days before the results were times spent being restless.Failing was not unexpected.But when the results came i got 42! A good 7 marks past the magical figure of 35(our passing mark)! God had rescued me, a tiny seed of faith had been sown.

2nd Sem:This was supposed to be an easier semester, a good chance to score well. But unfortunately my mother had to go and take care of her ailing mum during the study holidays, so hmmmmm....lets just say that the television watching hours in my house rose significantly during that time period, the football world cup played no small part in that statistic! The result: I did very badly in the Physics exam, i finished the paper a good half hour early! i just had a couple of hours worth of content to write,it was that bad! Results were again something i didnt look forward to! When the it arrived i had scored exactly 35!God saved me from disgrace again!The tiny seed had grown, it had sprouted a tiny stalk, it was feeble but promising.

3rd Sem:This semester was made for me,subjects i liked,2 math subjects and 2 programming subjects helped me in no small fashion, but there was a pain in the arse, Electronic Circuits, a subject that would made greek and latin comprehensible. i cleared the subject with a face saving 39, but what disappointed me was my poor showing in some of my strong subjects! Had God failed me? But the small measure of faith i gathered over a year rose up within me. I gave a couple of subjects for revaluation and got 24 more marks. God showed up after all. The tiny seed was a handsome sapling.

4th Sem: Here the villain was FAFL(finite automata and something something!;)) This was more of a problem based subject, if you get it right you get all the marks, you get it wrong its a big zero! Unfortunately the exam went very bad, not only was i not able to complete the paper, but i had got most of it wrong!:( . The other subjects were no balancing acts either. The sapling had to go through a storm of sorts, either it would be uprooted or the roots would grow longer and deeper to anchor itself. The sapling survived, God not only saved me from drowning this time, he also gave me a tank full of oxygen, enough to rejuvenate me! I got 47 in FAFL!


5th sem: The semester, we had to pass all or remain unplaced(without a job). The exams went bad. I was anxious to get through the first company(SATYAM COMPUTERS) that came to campus, because they would consider marks upto the 4th semester only. Not getting through that company added to the casual worries. But come results my now strong tree of faith stood strong, it wouldnt be felled easily. I got decent marks. I managed to land a job in the next two companies that visited the campus.God was by my side, he didnt abandon me in my time of need.


6th Sem: Needless to say, the security of a job and general dung-headedness landed me in a soup again, almost all the papers were written badly.But my worst showing ever did not result in sleepless nights or nervous breakdowns, the consequences, the ramifications of failure hardly bothered me. My trust and sight were no longer on getting a degree, life had more.This time i got a no good second class. But i passed where others flunked. I was still afloat. The strong branches of the once small seed held my weight, it wouldnt break away and make me fall.


7th Sem:This semester too the exams were unsatisfactory, my peers had a look of satisfaction after every exam, something i couldn't adorn myself. All i had was the shade from my leafy tree shielding me from the harsh sun. The results were nothing short of a miracle. I got an FCD(First Class With Distinction)! The tree was starting to bear fruit, nothing to truely savor or proclaim, but it was something. God was truely with me.

8th Sem: I reconnected with one of my first loves, programming, the project pushed me to look further, stay up longer, think harder, develop patience, meet deadlines and handle cranky clients. But the hyper dedication to the project came at a price, i realised that coding before a theory exam was not a wise thing to do. As a result i performed worse than any paper ever!! I finished it in 2 hours flat, the whole while glancing at my friend's(the ZED) paper, wondering how he was faring. But the below the poverty line performance hardly bothered me, in fact i found myself scolding, admonishing myself if my thoughts ever veered toward the negative. My tree was talking to me. It was no longer a seed, but a life bearing instrument.
And what do you know!! I get a whopping 49 in the end, i hadn't even written 49 marks worth of answers.

God rescued me not once, not twice, but 8 times! As i enter life, with challenges waiting to be met, I am not scared or fearful, I am not anxious, I dont fear failure, I am not afraid to take risks, because I am the tree! I have grown deep roots, I have faced the storms and stood still, I am poised to bear fruit in the right season. In the future i would sustain others with my fruit. Till then I am just thankful for being saved not once,not twice,not even thrice, but eight times!

P.S You'd probably think that every engineering student has to go through this, but hey! this is my story! I firmly believe my efforts were grossly disproportional to my marks! Unverifiable but true.

P.P.S The psalmist says,"Praise the Lord, I tell myself, and never forget the good things he does for me." Remembering what God has done for you is one of the most powerful weapons you have in life. Although this blog is read by a minority, i know that i will certainly come back, read and remember what the lord has done for me!

The Divine Exchange

(i wrote this during november of last year, never got around to posting it, true incident)

EXCHANGE! Your old tv’s for 2 new ones, Exchange your wife for a brand new girlfriend! The bill-boards scream at us with seductive offers. Our society functions using this magic mantra of EXCHANGE! This mad rush to barter usually reaches its peak during the festive season of DIWALI. And this DIWALI I made a different kind of exchange!

My mother and I were walking out of the local Christian book store, with a brand new bible under one of my arms and a few other books in the other, I was feeling particularly self-righteous and holy!

That’s when a little boy with neatly combed hair, and nicely ironed shirt appeared on the scene. With a smile that could melt an icy heart he said

“Hello Aunty,…..Hello uncle”

“Uncle?” I immediately took offence for being called an uncle and greeted him with a frown!

The bright smile never leaving his countenance he went on to hand us a pamphlet that contained the gospel of mark. As we browsed through the pamphlet he ventured to make a request.

The clouds of suspicion gathered in my mind, AHA! He’s going to ask for some money…..Why that sweet talking rascal!

But his request was noble, pure and sincere!

“Can I pray for you aunty?” My mother nodded in agreement. “Is it okay if I pray in Tamil aunty?”

My tamil knowledge consists of a few words like “Baba” “Pasha” “Chandramukhi” and “Kuselan”. Nothing to write home about! But I listened none the less!

Although I did not understand a word, the forthright tone, the honest demeanor and calm aura of the boy overwhelmed me!

But the remenants of suspicion lingered, My cautious half suspected a plea for donation at any moment

My mother asked him about his family and his education…To which he replied…..

“I live with my grandmother aunty and I study at St anthony’s”

As we separated with an awkward unsaid farewell, we were again stopped in our track by that earnest voice.

“Aunty one more thing……..”

The skeptic residing in the anals of my mind, rose again, ready to crucify the boy for all the false pretense the whole while. It was all about the money! Caught him atlast! HA!

But the boy’s request was far different from what I expected,

“Aunty please pray for me too………..”

Having said that he just walked into the darkness, and we nevers saw him again,with my skepticism silenced, my pride and logic humbled,we assured him that we would pray for him.

On my way home, I was bombarded with still many more offers for exchange, But my mind was fixated on the exchange I had promised to carry through, An exchange that involved no bargain, or statement of warranty or any sort of trickery, An Exchange that perhaps enriched my soul………..

I went home and prayed for the boy who sought a divine exchange!

understanding the other kind!

Well i strongly disagree with all those who say that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, because clearly the two are not even from the same galaxy! Its pretty evident that we don’t speak the same language, men talk, women feel, when the man wants to feel, the woman just wants to sleep!;D


With Valentine’s day approaching, there seems to be a temporary truce of sorts, but its like a calm before the storms to come. So while the rest of humanity pondered about the economy and world peace, i decided to find a solution to the war of the sexes!


Well , wikipedia wasn’t too helpful,hindi teleserials... had too many shocking camera zooming moments to really understand anything, femina though interesting was too biased, times of india filled the relationship space with English footballer WAGs. Well after many such failed attempts i decided to look, where i should have looked in the first place! THE BIBLE! And i did find a profound answer! Here it is!


However, let each man of you love his wife as his very own self, and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband. Ephesians 5:33



I have read past this statement a hundred times, too simplistic isn’t it? Thats what i thought too, till a preacher pointed out a key facet to this verse that if followed could bring an end to the war in the household!


What is truly amazing is that man is not asked to revere his wife nor is the woman asked to love her husband, somehow our mind goes into auto-correct and misses this significant point, we just assume that it is vice-versa. But no!


Well the reason is women love their husbands anyway, they show it many different ways, they make his favorite food, they notice the little slump in his shoulders, they tell him that they care,they understand and provide a ready ear for his problems, they are sympathetic to his hopes and dreams, they are a balm to his aching bones at the end of a hard day. Women are the epitome of love shown in gestures.


But,


Men dont know this and seldom reciprocate in kind! The imbecile believes that the first time he said “I love you” should last him a lifetime! He actually thinks that women sense whats in his heart and he does not need to voice them. He is also convinced that his physical presence in times of turmoil amounts to caring.


So the bible urges the neanderthal cave men to express their love, show that they care, love his wife!


Female society works on loving, caring and verbally affirming their thoughts, men hardly function on these lines, male society centers on the magic mantra of Respect! In this world your worth is measured by how much your respected. Respect can be earned by a variety of means, the fastest, strongest,biggest, smartest, richest and all the other ‘ests’ win lots of respect, but so will the guy who can gulp down a bottle of liquor in a minute, or the person who can stand up to his boss, men tend to be extra competitive, everything is a race! Women dismiss this as childish ego clashes, but for men, its a way of being!


Men give each other respect, they are natural at identifying and providing for those who deserve this respect! Why is it that the geeky professor who commands the respect of all his peers fails in the dating game? Because women dont respect some guy who has spent years learning the intimate regions of a mainframe than the intricate complexities of a relationship!


What a man wants is this respect, and if a woman wants to make him happy and content, she must give him this respect, identify and appreciate the things he is able to provide, tell him how much better he is at mowing the garden compared to the much better looking neighbour. Tell him that he did a great job fixing the t’v, who cares if he made your colour t’v into a black and white one! Tell him your with him because he’s better than the other men, that will be his moment of glory!



In a nutshell, give them what they want! Women want love, give it to them, men want some respect, give him some! Because we’re wired in such a way that women will always show love toward their husbands and men will always respect his wife, those skills are innate, its the skills that we acquire that will help us in understanding the other kind!

Well most of us are not going to be wise men who's words will be revered through the ages. But even then we try our best to find some immortal analogy or observation that will travel with the times. Very occasionally one might find a gem, but the rest of the time S.H.I.T is created. By S.H.I.T i mean a Simpleton's Hardly Inspiring Thought.

I had one such S.H.I.Ty moment today. I was travelling on my bike as usual, lost in thought, trying my best to avoid the shit(real) on the road. But thats when i was hit with a S.H.I.T, the S.H.I.T just came flying out of nowhere.

The S.H.I.T that consumed me was, “why do they say that traffic flows?” . What led me to this sudden loosely composed S.H.I.T was that, at a bottle-neck traffic seems to stall and slow down, whereas in a real river the water seems to speed up when it encounters a narrow bottle-neck. Hence traffic is certainly not fluid like in nature and therefore does not flow.AHA! i hope the reader understands the depth of my S.H.I.T.

So traffic does not flow, it simply travels. Which makes sense cause everyone involved in a traffic jam is indeed traveling. But this leads us to another great question,what about a waterway? A place like Venice where there are more boats than cars? Doesn't the traffic flow there? Well the answer is, no, because a vehicle without a horn cannot create the deafening irritating noise that is characteristic of a traffic jam. Since most boats don't have a horn, they cannot create traffic.

I have been saving this S.H.I.T in me all day, so that i can blog about it. I have finally managed to share my S.H.I.T with the whole world. Blogging is what makes it possible. So till i have more S.H.I.T to distribute, ADIOS!