Nov 10, 2009

My humorous speech contest entry!



The problem began when i put in “reading” as one of my hobbies in my resume.
Its not like i was lying, i do quite a lot of reading......
i read messages, television listings, billboards, and even woman’s era


But whenever i mention my reading lists during job interviews i get weird reactions.
The last interviewer even tried to be funny. After listening to me he said.
“we might have a small opening for you”
Really? sir? An opening?
Its right here.....he said.....pointing to the door.....get out!



Good afternoon my dear toastmasters and guests.
I decided then and there that i had to do some fancy reading to improve my chances of being employed.
What better than the works of William Shakespeare??
So i started off with Romeo and Juliet, maybe i could learn a thing or two about romance from there....women’s era is too one sided...men are blamed for everything!



But as i read through it i realised that romeo and Juliet were only 13 years old, teenagers!!!....
I mean when i was thirteen.... i was still wetting my bed....
Its okay......i stopped by the time i was 21!
Because when i turned 21 i had to ask myself the question “to pee or not to pee”


And all this is not even the most outrageous part of the whole play, towards the end Juliet puts herself into a deep sleep for ten days.....i know women need their beauty sleep and all but 10 days? For that matter if she wanted to become more beautiful she just had to refer to women’s era july 2004 issue...the papaya extract facial.....if it can work for me it can work for you sisters....just make sure you ex-foliate your skin before and after applying it....i’ll explain in detail later....


So Juliet is in this deep sleep, and poor old romeo thinks she’s dead....so he our brave hero commits suicide....
I mean dude....why don’t you check her pulse and and confirm that she is dead...or say something like “Juliet lets go shopping” ...she would have sprang up in no time.....or atleast wait till the post mortem report....
But no.....
The brainiac drinks poison and kills himself....and thats when Juliet wakes up.....a minute too late.....and she too commits suicide....a tragedy!

This is what happens if you don’t go for the papaya extract facial....Thats the greatest tragedy!

Romeo and Juliet just didn’t appeal to my liberated 21st century feminine mind?..wait a minute....did i just say feminine mind..? Reading women’s magazines have some unexpected side effects...must continue my testosterone therapy..i wanted something more macho more manly.......so i picked up Julius Caesar!!!... more like my thing.... i even heard that Jennifer Lopez’s husband Marc Anthony had a cameo role in it......


Now Julius Caesar started off okay.... this guy called Cassius tries convincing everyone they must kill Caesar....because ......Caesar had a bit of an addiction......he was addicted to shopping!! Seriously! I’m not kidding...

If you check your history books you’ll find that Caesar was the first to declare...
“Vini Vidi Visa” i came i saw i went shopping!!!

All the senators really hated Caesar because he would wear Gucci and Armani and the rest of them had to wear white loin cloth and olive leaves in their hair! Thats not fair! And it meant murder!

Few days later Caesar’s best friend BRUTUS and the other senators...stab him in the back.....and kill him!
And they even stole his Visa card!

So all of caesar’s friends.....thats Marc Antony..... and his wife Jennifer Lopez....... decide to fight against brutus and cassius.....
But before the battle could get started before things got interesting.....brutus and cassius..... commit suicide........


I don’t know why....but the suicide rates in shakespeare’s plays are very high.... Shakespeare probably didn’t have a fight director or stunt choreographer...so he must have had to get everyon e to kill themselves..that must have been the reason....

But the tragedy in this play was that....Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez decide to get a divorce! Well if you want to know the reason you have to read Shakespeare’s next play....

“Anthony and Cleopatra!”

Ahem! These Hollywood couples i tell you!

After reading Julius caesar i just didn’t have the patience to read another one of Shakespeare’s plays. I had enough!

So i shut the book and decided and watch some tv instead....i landed on the bollywood blockbuster.....Qayamat se Qayamat taq.....after watching it a while....i realised..this looks familiar...this is just like Romeo and Juliet...

But thats when i had a great idea

Since most of Shakespeare’s plays have been adapted into Hindi movies.all i had to do was watch movies! No more reading!!

So during my next campus interview.....I acted like i was born reading shakespeare.......i related the plot of “omkara” which is based on shakespeare’s OTHELLO. I just changed the names a bit.....and made sure everyone commited suicide in the end.

Even the narrator.

So i managed to get a job and didn’t even have to read a lot of shakespere!..... maybe i should now move on to some higher form of literature....something more deeper and profound.....something complex......
Harry potter?

Friends toastmasters bangaloreans....Lend me your forgiveness.....for i came to poke fun at Shakespeare....not to praise him!
Thank you!
Back to you contest chair!

i didnt win.....but got a great response from the audience! Its a great feeling when people laugh and enjoy themselves over the jokes you spent a considerable amount of time concocting....a great high! :)





7 comments:

Archana said...

i always knew u had a strong feminine side but dint know why.... women's era!!!..no wonder!

U've been a pro at murdering great literature..so i think shakespeare can be forgiven for the high suicide rates in his plays...i'm pretty sure if he was alive to read the comments u so delightfully come up on some great literary pieces, he wud have committed suicide himself too!

i liked the way u stringed together shakespeare's tales into ur own crazy world of tv and hollywood and women's era articles and wat not! :) all the best for the next contest..u shud be winning it one of these days

btw i think u shud write "how to do a papaya extract facial" as ur next blog entry..cant wait to read dat one! :)

Zeddy said...

Et tu thudl? Then fall Zeddy! ;-)
Oh i loved the way you absolutely shredded Shakespeare :)
Too old-fashioned for me, wonder why schools even bother teaching them.
I can imagine how the audience reacted to the 100% genuine, truthful facts in the speech :)
Keep it up!

Anonymous said...

Hi Vivek,

Fantastic!! really enjoyed it. Laugh riot.

Indira (Rohith's mom)

THUDL said...

@freaking spammers:
home business opportunities? wish i could spend a little time at home in the first place....perhaps i'd think of a business then....

us attacks china and causes man-made earth-quake?? when did that happen...

Get a life.....spam your own blog!!

THUDL said...

@Rohith:

I knew you'd take the "facts" in the speech a little too seriously....heheh

Shakespeare probably turned in his grave as i delivered the speech. But he has not taken to haunting yet. He's probably in a soliloquy wondering if he should do something...:D

THUDL said...

@Rohith's mom

Thanks for the comment! Comments are so few and far in between. Every word of encouragement helps! :D

THUDL said...

@Rohith's mom

Thanks for the comment! Comments are so few and far in between. Every word of encouragement helps! :D