MOM WARS: EPISODE UMPTEEN

Any mother-son relationship would not be complete without its fair share of arguments, "good advice" from the mother, ill-timed advice from the son to stop the increasing amount of "good advice" he's been getting, the all out war of words when advice moves over to the realm of commands,and when push comes to shove (and broom) good ol dad has to step in and restore the peace with the customary 'let him do what he wants' .

Recently, after a long dreary day in college, i pile a chunk of food on to my plate, and flopped on the couch with the holy grail of couchdom (the remote) in hand. After a good 5 mins of channel surfing i settled for ESPN. The championship deciding football match in the EPL seemed inviting,

Rooney passes to ronaldo, ronaldo crosses to tevez, a brilliant cross from tevez back to ronaldo,
the crowd's on the edge of their seats, ronaldo has an opening, the goalkeeper is nowhere in the frame, he shoots......

"Whats with your sudden interest in football, huh?"

Didnt the 16th commandment read "thou shalt not interrupt thy son/father/husband when he's wathching sports, if thou doest, thou shalt face his wrath , which is unequaled even by me , saith the lord" . Clearly, my mother hadn't gone beyond the ten other vital commands. But the underlying sarcasm from behind, stabbed me like a piercing arrow, the venom poured into that very part of my heart where pele, maradona and zidane resided. I wasnt gonna let this go!

with my eyes still following ronaldo's celebrations, i started off on a verbal assault!

"WHAAAT?"

"What am i supposed to do while eating, watch the dead meat?"

"Am i supposed to have my nose in a textbook even while eating?"

"you have a problem with everything!"

"If i were watching a news channel, you'd have a problem with that, Ftv would be even more of a problem, your constant 'grow up' remarks forced me to give up wathcing cartoon network! can't you just let me live??"

"what you need is a dog, not a son, atleast the dog would have PETA to defend him"

"So when are you going to censor my thoughts, or are you doing that already"

I paused a moment to give my mom some time to squeeze in her half of the argument, her unusual silence spurred me on, maybe i had a case here, i had her on the ropes, time to give in the final punch, silence her for a couple of weeks atleast.

"Was i adopted, is that why you treat me so bad"

"Oh i get it! your my step mom aren't you? I knew it"

"Even cinderalla was treated better, atleast she could watch football in peace"

"Where is my fairy god-dude?"

"Once i get a job, i'm moving out, i'll get a new mom"

okay, maybe i went too far with the last comment, i didnt exactly want to skip dinner for a couple of weeks, so i stopped and looked at her, and said

"Okay now, why arent you saying anything? give up? finally! after 20 years"

Thats when mom broke her silence

"I was talking to nidhi(my brother) not you, HA"

Sometimes when you prepare and give a seminar in class, your all excited and pumped up, but no one gives a rip about what you blabbered, and at the end of it you feel like an idiot for having wasted everone's time, i felt like that, only worse.


I finished the food in a jiffy, switched off the t.v, and avoiding eye contact with my mother i retire to the sanctuary of my room. After burying my head under the pillow for a good fifteen minutes, i emerged with a big smile on my face! i had something to blog about!

Stay tuned though, the mom wars saga isn't gonna end anytime soon, the empire will strike back!

Lost in translation!

Unity in diversity, The triumphant banner of post Independence India! With some 30(?) states and innumerable no. of languages, things can get confusing at times .

                               Take me for instance, i was born a malayalee hence i speak Malayalam, but because of my father's frequent transfers to all corners of India, i cannot read or write Malayalam! But we settled down in Bangalore some ten years back, so i can read and write Kannada but cannot speak intelligent Kannada if a gun were held to my head! Add to that a semester of Marathi in third grade and Hindi speaking abilities that deteriorated due to my extended stay in South India, So here i am trying to communicate using the greatest of British imports ENGLISH!

                            Thankfully though I'm not alone in this linguistic paradox. I didn't even have to look too far.My cousin Aashish who is a doctor, was born in Nigeria,studied in Yemen, high school in kerala and finally mbbs in Nepal. Heaven alone knows the languages he's proficient in!
            
                                             He recently took up a job in Kottayam, Kerela (Mallu heartland) . He can utter mallu theri (swear words) like a seasoned expert and knows the nuances of the language like a sahityakaran(litterateur) , yet he cannot write or read malayalam! A recipe for disaster!
 
                                    His job involved playing apprentice to the far more experienced MD and basically just watching and learning as well as doing the odd jobs that only a doctor could do. His opinion would be called for during interesting scenarios as well as suggestions when the situation arose.
   
            So, on this particular day a lady walks into the consulting room and produces a letter of  some sort . The MD takes a long look at it, reading all the way to the bottom and then re-read it again, his eye-brows knitted together in concentration. He seemed perplexed! He tosses over the letter to Aashish and says

"Do you concur?"


My cousin was taken aback by this 'StarTrek' sounding command by his superior.  
So he hurried to take a look at this sacred piece of parchment that had caused 
such a harried reaction in his all knowing teacher. To his dismay, no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get an inkling of what was written, Because it was written in Malayalam . Panic struck him, thick and fast. He had to save face somehow! His very job could be at stake! So he put forth a very vague sounding.....

"Interesting case sir, the standard procedure would suffice for this patient, but we must proceed
fast"


The MD's face was as impassive as ever, was this some kind of in-hospital test? my cousin wondered. The MD took a deep breath and ventured..

"Aashish, would you care to explain to the lady about her illness"

'I am done for, certainly!' thought Aashish. He took a deep breath, called upon his lucky stars and let his mouth do all the thinking and talking.

"Ma'am you have a common illness, nothing to worry about, take the prescribed tablets as the chemist orders and you will be fine in no time. A lot of rest, a whole lot of nutritious food, and you'll be back in the pick of health in no time!!"


My cousin sat back in an air of triumph and satisfaction. But the MD looked as bewildered as ever, The patient who was even more confused, had a question or two to ask, She was cut short by the MD,


"Madam would you care to step outside for a moment, we need to discuss your case at length"

Aashish's throat went dry, the customary 100 lashes ancient slaves received seemed inviting, confessing the truth seemed the only way out. As he geared up to defend himself, the impatient and angry MD spoke up...

"What in Christ's name was written in that piece of paper? I cannot read a word of Malayalam!!! I was looking to you for a hint or a suggestion of some sort. But you were more incomprehensible than a doctor's handwriting!"

My cousin heaved a huge sigh of relief and explained how he was in the same predicament!! The two had a hearty laugh and finally had to rely on the lowly nurse to provide a solution. It turned out that the MD had himself studied abroad and was part of the linguistic diaspora that could speak certain languages but couldn't read or write it!!


It is such diversity and interesting intricacies that are unique to being an Indian. Nowhere else would such interesting situations arise! Call it a blessing or a curse but we Indians are forever destined to be Lost in Translation!!


                      
                   
                              
                                                
             

LOW BLOW

Shah Rukh Khan dances, he charms , he dreams , he falls in love , dies , is reborn , kicks villain's ass, THE END. Yet another bollywood blockbuster, Yet again i fell for the marketing blitz and decided to find out for my self what Om Shanti Om was all about .So i went to the local multiplex, sat through the song-dance-song nightmare as SRK magically changed costumes between every scene, while the couple on my right 'choochey cooed' tirelessly(which was way more entertaining than the movie by the way) . The real life drama dwarfed Srk's over-acting


"you didn't call me for the 6th time last night"


"But honey, i was just lookin at your picture on my cieling and dreaming"


"Really?...choo chweet.....so how do i look today?"


"You look like a princess my love"



"Seriously?.....princess of a biiiggg country or a small country?"


"Princess of a continent...a solar system....why a galaxy i say! "


"Awwwww.....you know you look so cute..WHEN YOU LIE!!...LOSER!!...galaxy indeed!! Use your flattery on Tina, not on me!!!" (she folds her hands and looks my way....i manage to put forth a weak smile!)


"But honey...Tina is just a friend....nothing more....."



"Maybe you should make her something more"


"but...but....."



"Don't talk to me"


what followed was 5 mins of silence...which i utilised to empty my bucket of popcorn....


"If you don't talk to me"....sniff....sniff...."I might as well die"....sniff....."your my light, my sunshine, my moonlight, my street light, my all"


"My baby...don't cry!...i was just being silly....you know i love you....."


sniff..."me too"....


what followed is best not described, considering the younger audience of this blog!!.....I had great fun though....kissing scenes are always cleverly avoided in hindi movies(THe damned tree).... Lets just say i got my money's worth!!


SRK manages to overcome the more muscular and younger villain, and gets to live happily ever after with the heroine who's half his age!!....GREAT! The rigamarole ended! After the boredom extravaganza, all i wanted to do was head home, so i dial the driver and gave him instructions on where to pick us up .


As usual i used a pot pourri of south indian languages to communicate with the driver (in the end it turns out that he speaks my native tongue malayalam) . So here i am, lost in the dilema over the choicest words to be used to describe my location, I mindlessly walk out through the exit, and into the dark tunnel that led to the outside. And thats when.......


I recieve a soft squeeze to my rear!!

Not since when i came out of my mother's insides and the doctor slapped me gently on my buttocks have i gotten any sorta attention to the "back door". I move the cell away from my ear and look back aghast!!


And when i looked back i saw the fairer half of the couple staring at me in a state of shock and confusion, our eyes met in a moment of understanding, i was rooted to the spot, while she covered her face and retired to the arms of her beau!


The boyfriend probably thought i was troubling his lady and gave me a snooty look. Before the situation worsened i slipped away into the crowd!! PHEW!!


Looking back...i wonder if the guy was my identical butt twin, my long lost bum buddy, cause the girl mistakened her lover's rear for mine, there must have been some similarity! Or did she do that on purpose? Were my butt cheeks too difficult to resist? ALAS... i may never know! But the incident has frightened me thoroughly! I found my self walking sideways and keeping my back to the wall every time i walked through a crowd. I realised that my ASSets are to protected from any sort of intended or unintended harm!!
Damn that SRK!

Celebrating the worst!!

This is an article i wrote for our department yearbook 'PHOENIX' which didnt exactly rise from its ashes. But thats why one starts a blog. Free publishing!!


In the beginning god created man, man created jokes, some men tried to create jokes, but failed and hence was born the POOR JOKE(P.J) . Okay we can live with P.Js , they crack you up! But when some people dedicate their lives towards the advancement of nonsense, Grrrrrrr! We as members of R.I.S.E must rise above and trounce the propitiators of B.P.L.Js(Below the poverty line jokes, yes such a thing does exist! You will see as you read on) .
Caution – I have only compiled the collection, was in no way responsible for creating any of em! , But I shall let you into a secret….psssst…..Kunal jadhav 4th sem c.s…..yes the kingpin himself….Yep!!...those old chappals lying in the closet will come in handy!!
Here goes nothing!!

1.A man is walking down the street. A parrot curiously calls out his name from a tree. Ahem!!...Which geometric figure comes to mind?

Ans:- Parabola ( parrot bola!...this was a mild one you’ll be clenching your teeth in no time!)

2.A man is crossing a jungle on a bike, midway through his journey a jubilant peacock comes in his way and he is forced to stop. This curious event happens every hour!! What could be the possible reason?

Ans:- Well he was riding the Tvs Victor !...no clue?...more smiles per hour!!...mor==peacock ….heh heh!!....not very funny is it?...i know!!

3.A man (Who is this “man”?) is being chased by a lion through a dense dark jungle . Fortunately he finds a rope and climbs on to it . But for some unfathomable reason there is a candle right under the rope and its burning the rope away . And the lions prowling right under him, He must think and think fast!...what does he do?

Ans :- He says HAPPY BIRTHDAY….the lion blows the candle!....don’t worry I was speechless too when I heard the “solution” for the first time!!....

4. What do bees do if they don't want to drive?
Ans :-Wait at the buzz stop (Buzz off?...don’t blame me! I just compile them)


5. What happens if you take mickey mouse and throw him onto a wall?
Ans:- Well you get the Ramayana…simple really!....if you take mickey and throw him on a wall you get wall mickey…wallmickey….wallmiki…..valmiki….And valmike writes the Ramayana!....simple deduction Watson!!


6. A fish bangs onto a concrete wall. What does he say?
Ans :- ‘Dam’n!!....One particular person took an entire year to get this one!!....but is it a bad joke? Yes! because according to the second theory of bad jokesim “If a person or a living being takes 365 or 366 days to figure out a joke then according to the converse of the first theorem the joke is bad joke”…Eh?...don’t ask me I haven’t figured a single theorem in my 19 years either!


7. A solitary hunter is trudging through the deep forests of Africa. Suddenly he spots something , he aims , he shoots Elephant!!...But the pigeon dies!..whatever happened?
Ans:- Well could it be that the the bullet according to the theory of relativity sped at the speed of light and time traveled into another dimension only to emerge back into our time and hit a new but pre-destined target?.....Arre mamu….this is a bplj!! The only way to arrive at the solution is to bang your head against the wall till you get gangrene . That won’t be necessary….the pigeon’s name was elephant!


8.The ultimate!!…. A man is stranded on a boat….just bitter salt water for miles all around…Its just him , his boat and 2 cigarettes .he wants to smoke the cigarette badly (He missed the bold ‘cigarettes are injurious to health sign’ too like the other millions, baffling!!) . What does he do?
Ans :- Solar energy? Nah….oh..o…I get it!..he rubbed pieces of wood together and made fire…NO!!....use bplj logic….Well he chucked one of the cigarettes away. The boat becomes “lighter”, he uses the “lighter” and lights the cigarette!...game set and match….Yes rocket science i think is easier!
All good thing must come to an end. So its even more certain that bad things have abrupt endings! But we must sit back and admire the ingenuity and extreme creativity of the men who create such gems of literature . Or bring out your guns!!

First Love

It was love at first sight. We(a friend and i) were shopping at brigade road, walking around with no specific purpose, with an ice-cream cone in one hand, shopping bags in the other, we stepped into yet another shop laughing joking and being merry, thats when i saw her......

She was dark, yet she had that radiance about her, she wore a metallic grey outfit that seemed to adorn her magically, was adrenaline clouding my eyesight or was i looking at a queen?And the best part was, this was not going to be some look-fantasise-forget experience, my friend actually knew her!! He hastened towards her with a smile, I naturally followed suit . He had met her at the same store 2 weeks back, co-incidentally, and had been acqauinted with her.


She seemed to be the star of the show somehow, people were crowding around her, was she some kind of celebrity? i wondered. Up close she looked fabulous. As my friend introduced me to her, i realised that beneath the looks and the aura, there was a soul, in her i saw a possible "best friend" other people were said to have, she was very friendly, acessible, easy goin . I was spell bound and dazed but was sane enough to get a contact no.



There was nothing else i could think of that night, She was in my dreams, I woke up thinking about her, I wanted her, every bit of her, she would complete me, assist me,entertain me and i would give her power, friendship, anything she wanted! I would buy her any acessory, any enhancement she wanted, she would be mine forever and ever.


A couple of days later, I met her again, but this time i would take her home, nothing had made me this excited ever, on the way home, i told her everything i could think of, i just couldn't shut up, he re-assuring silence only spurred me on.


When we reached home, i carried her upstairs, Boy was she heavy! but weight was never a criterion for me, i never had liked the slim sort. She was all i wanted. When we reached my room i hurriedly divested her of all her adornings, i lifted her up, placed her on my table, and we connected at a level we never had.


At this point, your either thinking "Well..something is fishy" or hoping for a scene out of The Original Sin, nothing is fishy and its not angelina-banderas style action, but it was action all right,i turned her on, i stroked her all night,increased her volume, tweaked her to perfection, and i have been doing all this and more for over 4 years now . My HP pavilion t430i desktop computer is undoubtedly one of the best thing that ever happened to me.


So this is a tribute to "her" . She's just not any computer , she really is beautiful, she has still not died on me, has stuck with me through viruses, worms, She's been my avenue to another world. Rock on baby! Papa loves you loads


Isn't she HOTT?;)

Being a MAN

Recently i went over to my good friend rahul's house to catch up on the past year, re live the past joys and ponder upon the fast approaching future, Our conversation chanced upon the latest aamir khan starrer 'Taare Zameen Par' , the tale of a dislexic boy who discovers his potential.

For those who are unfamiliar, the movie is known to be a tear jerker, for even the most stoic of men, But not for Rahul, of course not, his insensitivity is legendary!



"So, vivek did you cry during the movie?"

Rahul asked with a glitter in his eye,

I had cried a bucketful, even the little girl who sat next to me was staring, and offered her hand kerchief, i returned it after wiping my eyes and blowing my blocked nose, she strangely threw it away, very strange, but coming back to the matter at hand, Rahul would pull my leg for ages if he came to know the truth.



"Dude you crazy? i don't cry! i'm a man" i replied defiantly. Somehow my half hearted reply didnt even convince me. Rahul was not gonna let this go. I had embarassed him often enough, he finally had something on me, i had to find a way out.



"Don't lie, Your eyes must have filled up with tears atleast" he shot back. Was he there at the theatre? Did he plant that li'll girl to catch me in my weakest moment. Did he videotape the whole incident. All manner of thoughts raced through my head. Should i admit it and plead for mercy? Should i book a ticket out of bangalore? Run while i had my pride intact?



"Of course not, i was yawning throughout, damned kid got dumped in a damned boarding school. why should i cry?" My nerve had thankfully not given way. Maybe this battle could be won. Maybe i could still walk with my head held high. Die another day!



"Okay your throat must have choked atleast"The man was onto something, he could smell a rat, and was playing around like a cat playing with its prey, before going for the kill! I should give up while i still can i decided.



"Fine!! My throat did go dry, thats when i reached for my neighbour's pepsi, But i did not cry" I gave way, maybe he would go easy. i hoped and prayed.



"So you choked and did not cry. Like a typical man! There is nothing wrong with crying yaar, its natural, only a real man would cry, Try crying dude, it helps, You feel way better after you let the tap in your head flow, you'll feel much better" Rahul ended his little speech with a pat on my back.





This from the man who was the tower of insensitivity in school, the basketball playing mindless brute, who didn't even bat an eyelid when he was last in class 11 along with me. The man who sent his dog away and visits her during festivals(Thats another long story).

Life had changed my friend. Wholesale changes!!!



Or had it? maybe he was putting up this macho act just to save face with me.We were playing this double act all this while! and hiding our true sides, our true feelings!



I'm not gonna conclude by asking everyone to show their true sides and not to go with whats "cool" .Rahul and i had shitloads of fun playing men while we were still boys, The fun making and abuse has no parallel . Twas just a funfilled chapter in the picture book of life, you can paint it in any which way you want .



As a boy i painted like a man

When i became a man

i look back at the paintings of boyhood

trying to 'be a man'

NO!

As we sat perched upon the highest point of our terrace, enjoying the diwali blitz, soaking in the glittering rockets and noisy crackers, life couldn't be better! Moods were at an all time high, so i ventured out, gathered my courage and my overused nerve and put forth the over asked question.

"Amma can i have a dog?"

"No"

"But, but can we go over the 'why not' again, i have some new arguments"

"No"

"Oh Christ!...maybe i'll blog about this"

"okay!"

"okay!!?...you mean i can get a dog?"

"No...i'm okay about you blogging"


Why does my mom have to reply in monosyllables? i'm not a dog! i can understand complex speech patterns! okay, i admit it, i used to get explanations before, guess she got tired! you gotta admire my persistence though!


When did i first want to own a dog? i think it was during the Enid Blyton craze back in the fourth standard, all of her pre teen detectives had dogs, Heck! one of the "famous five" was a dog! good ol Timmy! so did the Secret seven, even the kids at Malory towers had one! Oops, er, i just happened to flip through one of those eh books, and eh er . OKAY FINE! i read through Malory towers and St Clare's, they're not girlie, just stories about girls! Hmph!


Back to the issue in question. Lets analyse why i want a dog. The usual sane and valid reasons are well countered by mother.

Dogs are nice and cuddly....negated by.....dogs poop and shed hair

A dog will guard our house...negated by...dogs won't take care of themselves when we're away

A dog will give us puppies...negated by.... puppies are dogs you doofus

So i had to employ lateral thinking, think outside the box, confined as i am in the box, i tried..

"Well Fany has a dog, she has three in fact!!" Fany my best budd, has three dogs, not one, three!! and had three times 'mans best friend" and she is not even a man . Talk about having what you don't need!


"Fany topped the class too"

"Well, thats my point, she topped cause she has dogs!"

"No"

Okay that didn't work, but i'm not gonna give up as yet, whats the one thing man,or woman, never fail to let go? A chance to make a profit!!


"Mom, do you wanna make a quick buck? maybe not that quick! But the money will pour in after a couple of years, you interested?"

"perhaps"


"We could get 2 dogs, male and female, they should fall in love, i'll arrange that, then the stork will bring puppies, And we could sell the puppies"
i put in a smile too, a smile could go a long way in selling an idea, i had a heard a management guru say on t.v .


"No"


Maybe i should get a virtual pet, i could even tweak the code to suit my liking, but its just not the same!...sigH!....Or i should put a 'puppy' on my orkut wishlist, but my birthday is 11 months away!


But for now, i have to make do with watching scooby doo reruns on cartoon network! Ah heck! i have a brother, and he's toilet trained too, sheds hair though! So till one of you feels sorry for me and leaves a puppy on my doorstep,i'll have to make do with...

"NO!"

Who What Why

Who is thudl? what is thudl? Is he a person? most definitely! Am i swedish? An ex viking who's tired of plundering and instead has taken up reliving past victories in one of google's many free services?


Nope, Thudl is a boy,Thudl is a mask, on the lines of Stanley Ipkiss's mask (The MASK) , thudl is a macho name the boy created( thanks to t9) to make up for the lack of creativity from mom n dad, To be pronounced on the lines of muddle and puddle. Enough with the name, what does he stand for?

He's from kerela, he likes the color red, so does that mean he's a communist? oh dear god no! Then he surely must support congress, surely!, he does , but why? Did the Gandhi family do anything for him? Or was it because he was influenced by his die-hard congress supporting grandmother? Or is it because he didn't have much of a choice? Thudl is largely peace loving, believes in the status quo, so did the demolishing of the babri masjid by the other leading national party rub him the wrong way? The Congress has had its share of mistakes too . Thudl loves gandhi, even before he saw lage raho munna bhai, that must be it! or is it?


Thudl must be religious, but who would you call religious? the ever praying hypocrite? The self serving priest? the selfless nun? thudl believes religion is a barrier to the author of religion, god . So thudl has crossed the barrier has he? He avoids the barrier, isn't that a step? But how do you explain all the pain and suffering in this world thudl? would your 'god' do that?


Thudl feels he knows the answer. But can he convey it? What if God isn't in control? What if god's given man the joystick to control his life , all the time hoping man would press the help key, Thudl knows simplistic answers will lead to more questions, But its thudl's blog, thudl can have his say!


Surely thudl must be part of a religion, and not just believe in an abstract god, free of mythology and legends, no, thudl is a christian , But is thudl strategising to convert the next person he meets to Christianity , Thudl is not forceful ,Thudl doesn't stand to gain any more than what he has , So thudl isn't a zealot? he is though, in his own way,perhaps the right way, letting his actions show the way, But are his actions worthy? , he tries, but fails often .



What would you feel if you met thudl? Will he be shy? reticent? Or will he be loud, outgoing? a leader ? most of you wouldn't know , it wouldn't make a difference to your lives , Thudl is happy enough to be heard on his blog.

Is Thudl a good son ? friend ? master?( to his lizards and cockroaches) , thudl is revealing himself, draw your own conclusions! why is thudl here? could it be cause he had a vision? was he inspired? or was it just that his friend was making a blog too?

Thudl is a boy, wanting to be heard , thudl is just a soul, waiting to share , thudl is just an id hoping for friend requests , thudl is a spirit longing to leave , thudl is just a blog waiting to be viewed

Eden revisited - chapter 1

"It just isn't fair!, all i wanted to see was if dinosaurs could survive an asteroid hit" implored Lucifer. "Its not like i intended to kill em off" he added. "He's lying my lord" interjected michael, "Couple of decades back he tried the ice age trick, only last week he tried to kill some of them with a giant wave and now this!!" michael had never really liked lucifer, he felt the lord was being too soft on him, lucifer deserved to be thrown into the dungeons.



"There there michael, i've granted overseership of earth and her sister planets to lucifer, son of the morning star, i trust him to care for my beings, he wouldn't belittle my creations knowingly now would you lucifer?" the king on the emerald throne answered.





"But sire, have you forgotten about mars? the once green fountain filled planet, don't you remember the day you formed it, the day you shaped its belly, the hour you filled its springs, the saplings you planted, the rivers you brought forth!" , micheal was a passionate servant, filled with zeal, gentle as a spring breeze, but in his anger a mighty gale.





"Not That again! i'm tired of explaining it over and over again , the orbit of the planet changed, nothing much i could do, besides a 'martian' sounds scary, a red planet on the horizon of earth, now thats a neat setting for many a ghost story!" , michael scowled at lucifer's carefree words.





"Lucifer, i would now take leave of you", the lord's benevolent smile extended even to scum like lucifer thought michael, "and you may remain michael" , moments spent alone soaking in the wisdom of the high king were always precious to him, " my pleasure, my king" replied michael



As Lucifer left the throne room, the king smiled, and said "I know of Lucifer's doings michael, but my purpose always prevails, should i not be kind, should i not be patient, with even the vilest of my creation? don't i love every creature i've created? everything serves its purpose, even you michael, the evening star , you must glow through the ages, bring light in the cool of the dusk."



"i do not doubt your wisdom lord" replied michael. "But i almost never understand your ways" michael added unabashedly.



With a twinkle in his eye God declared "I must set about to make my greatest creation, a race of beings made in my own image, who within them have the power to create, to imagine, a race that have a choice, a choice to submit to my will, a race that'll populate earth."



The implications of the Lord's words stunned michael, inspite of all the thoughts racing through his head he said "i trust your judgement lord".And as always he believed.

A cut below the rest!

I was born bald, or so my mother says. Some of the best things in life never last for long, that is perhaps why we cherish them and long for more of it. And so before my first week on planet earth came to an end i had sprouted quite a few strands of thick curly black hair. My parents were delighted, their first born was becoming a man! he would go on to conjure up hair in all variety of places, places which may never see the light of day.


And so the baby grew physically and the frequency of his tantrums increased. They remembered his first word, first burp and the first time he walked and who could forget his first hair cut! To this day i'm not sure of what pushed my 2 year old self over the edge. Was it the physical act of the hair cut itself or was it the one cutting the hair . i'm inclined to believe it was the latter.


Pappachen was a thin wiry man in his mid thirties . But his stoic countenance and the perpetual scowl he bore filled my heart with fear. Pappachen himself was semi bald and unmarried . And i suspect his lack of hair led to the lack of proposals . Whatever might be the case , pappachen had taken it upon himself to rid the world of hair, and no matter what you told him at the start, the end result would be the same, an even , military style outcrop that's barely quarter of an inch long.


When i saw him for the first time, instincts took over, i ran to the one safe place that had aided me in many a hide and seek session, under the bed. i thought the danger had passed.But a long hairy arm reached out under the bed and grabbed me (Pappachen had obviously done this before), i would have gone on to the electric chair with glee, but i was placed rather unceremoniously onto a normal chair. My mother smiled upon me, and with a calm demeanor explained that my hair was too long and would be cut. I rejoiced within, the one person i trusted most just said it was going to be alright. But my instincts said otherwise. And when Pappachen drew his unusually large scissors and a comb with pointed, sharp looking teeth i screamed, what followed was mayhem, my grandmother still relates the story to every willing listener. i'm still undecided over what made the episode memorable. Was it the powerful kick pappachen received to his mid-section or was is it the scar i proudly wear to this day on my forehead. Or maybe it was the double wage my mother had to dish out to him. Either way pappachen and i never crossed paths again.



My sense of victory was short lived however, i realised barbers are like grains of sand in a desert. they were too many to count, almost like a cult, when one falls the other takes over, each one sacrificing their life, honour and reputation to further the larger cause. Only the gods have managed to stay immune from this conspiracy. I mean, Jesus had long hair didn't he?. So did krishna, ram and shiva(if one can trust the accuracy of mythological teleserials that is). My overcoming of pappachen brought chellappan into the picture. Rumor had it that chellappen had "accidentally" cut the ear of a misbehaving lad .And as to why he was still in the profession lends further proof to my barber conspiracy theory . The brotherhood had influence that even diverted the course of justice. As you know my ears are intact, proof of the fact that chellappen prevailed and he didn't quite share pappachen's fate.


The next day my relief turned to misery as i was made fun of for being a 'mottathala' an egg head. the snide remarks and suppressed giggles from my play school mates lasted a couple of weeks. The next two weeks were somewhat peaceful, at the end of which chellappen paid another visit. Hence starting a viscous monthly cycle i still haven't grown used to!


The years passed, mottathala gave way to sunshine and many other names. my mothers advice to use the "sticks and stones can break my bones but names cannot hurt me" line only fueled the persistence of the aggressors. i changed cities, states but the brotherhood i realised was strong.Every town or village if you've noticed has a barber. The dark cloud hung over me.



And then with the onset of adulthood, i discovered ROCK music . i was hardly passionate about music what impressed me were the rock stars. Every one of them had long flowing locks. They had resisted the barber mafia , they had prevailed . I also noticed that rock stars were misfits in the society, most people looked at them with distaste and a sense of loathing . The barbers had influenced the minds of people . Changed perception itself . For a moment i contemplated joining this powerful force , almost immortal , but sense returned. I decided i would grow my hair , face the dark organisation head on.


And when my mom suggested i go get a haircut, i said NO! Her momentary shock at my rebellion was replaced by a sigh of acceptance. So i set about growing my hair . I found the new instrument called the "comb" a very useful but tiresome contraption. My arms hurt after a few strokes . combing my hair was becoming a time-consuming and pricey alternative to haircuts . I was forced to oil and shampoo my hair , and when i didnt , i had to bear 'messy hair' jokes , itching and general disgust from my female companions. Then it struck me . By not getting my hair cut i was spending enormous amounts of time taking care of my hair, shampoo's were costly so was hair gel , hair dryers cost a fortune even a bottle of oil costs more than a haircut. By snubbing the unholy barber organisation i had fallen into a greater trap set by the fiendish hair care industry!


Newton was right! Every action does really have an equal and opposite reaction! The barber system was created to counter the grave danger of haircare. how many millions are spent on hair care, moreover irreplaceable and invaluable time is spent on hair care! I realised that the forces of good and evil are always clashing continually, swirling together in the cauldron of life. It may be difficult to differentiate between good and evil but with age(as in my case) discernment increases!



And as i sit in front of the computer after another haircut, feeling miserable, foreboding the sly smiles and remarks tomorrow, my heart is at peace, a peace thats possible only when you know you did the right thing. And for once i don't mind being a cut below the rest!

A REAR SIGHT

We were going to Chandigarh! My 12 year old frame was brimming over with enthusiasm , the angular, un-artistic and perfectly planned city seemed very appealing then.

And our mode of transport would be the Shatabdi, at a top speed of 80km\hour the fastest steed in the stables of Indian Railways. More than the 'speed' of the Shatabdi it was its high quality hospitality and, the fact that it wouldn't stop at any station till it reached its destination, that filled its compartments. Tea, coffee and newspapers would arrive at regular intervals before boredom could set in, but nothing could prepare me for the view its large windows would offer.

We(my parents and a younger brother) left our cosy Delhi hotel room early to catch the 6:15 train to Chandigarh. My old man was unusually eager to reach Chandigarh. The straight cut, spacious and uncluttered roads appealed to his engineering psyche. My Mother as usual was game to anything that didn't involve slaving in the kitchen. As for my brother, he was excited about finally getting to see the rock garden( as ironic as it sounds) that he had learnt about the previous year. He would later admit that gardens should be green.

We entered our bogey and were surprised(atleast i was) to see an airplane like array of single seater chairs, 6in each row with an aisle in between seperating the compartment into two halves. We had just one window seat and the usual tussle about who gets it followed, my 5 inch and 10 kg advantage over my brother came in handy as usual. But my bulliness would result in perhaps the most unsavoury incident in my life.


My dad settled in the seat beside me, his tall frame and generously filled pockets of fat hid everyone else from my line of sight. So there it was, the stage was set, with my dad on my left and the Delhi-Chandigarh countyside on my right. Life was good, I hadn't seen it all, atleast until then.


The first half hour passed eventfully, the flurry of activity distributing newspapers, fruit juices engaged everone in the compartment. The view outside the window was rapidly deteriorating, the high rises were giving away to smaller buildings , shacks and then finally open slums. The horror was just unfolding.


Breakfast had arrived, the western meal that i had ordered consisted of toast, jam butter and potato wedges. A few greedy gulps later i chanced to look outside again
And then is saw it. I saw three in a row! At first it just didn't register. The human mind comes to a conclusion only after it co-relates the present incident to another it has experienced in the past. I hadn't ever seen one even though i had one of it. It was an astounding sight. There was scores of em, fair, dark,wrinkled, all shapes sizes and a variety of countenances, you couldn't tell the gender though



What i saw were buttocks. Too many to count, one after the other seemingly endless. It was answering the call of nature time in the slums of Delhi. Couldn't nature give a missed call that fateful day? The human body is more regular than India's cricketing defeats i realised.
I tugged my father's sleeves, for an explanation my pre-teen mind could not produce. He calmly glanced outside and urged me to finish my breakfast, i gathered from his calmness that he'd been to Chandigarh before! Suddeny the yellow grimy potato wedges seemed un-appetizing. I stole a look towards the window, the numbers seemed to have decreased but it still was an orgy of defecation!


I closed my eyes and pondered upon the plight of these fellow countymen, the poverty, the humiliation, the group mentality and most of all about why they had to face away front the railway track. Surely! facing the train would have been a lot less discomforting for me and the other hapless souls who chose to sit by the window. Infact they could face the train and throw in a smile while they went about their business.


What unnerved me most was the fact that we were goin to Chandi garh ( chandi is buttocks in malayalam and garh is house in hindi) . Was this a taste of what was to come at our destination? Butt-cheeks at every corner? Thankfully my worst fears were not realised. But to this day, when i lower my pants and grace the throne with a newspaper in hand, waiting to get the load off, i thank god for all his provisions and curse the indian railways for the lack of it!